Your last name may not be O'Neil or McCarthy, but here in Miami, we all share a lot in common with the Irish -- 95 percent of our population is comprised of immigrants that fled their homeland due to some type of famine. And now, here we are are in this hodgepodge of a city. We're hardworking, tax-paying citizens (most of us any way), and we deserve the right to wear our finest green attire and down a pint at nine in the morning every bit as much as anyone who's authentically Irish.
But before you leave the house in your offensive-to-the-Irish-community t-shirt, you may want to peruse our top picks for Miami's St. Paddy's day celebrations this year. We did all the hard work for you. Now go buy us a beer, damn it.
10. "Brickell Beach" St. Patrick's Day Pool Party at Club 50
Get lucky in the pool at this party and enjoy music spun by over 10 DJs, high-priced drinks, and the best view in town.
Go Because: It's okay to fist pump on St. Paddy's Day, too.
Who'll Be There: Meatheads and lots of pretty people
Noon - 5 a.m., 486 Brickell Ave., Miami, 305-503-4417
9. Indoor Party at Playwright Pub
have drink specials, a live band, and a DJ. Sounds tame, but we all
know that on St. Patrick's Day, that is total Blarney.
Go Because: This party goes on the latest, 'till 6am
Who'll Be There: Anyone who wants to avoid downtown at all costs
9 p.m. to 6 a.m., 1265 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-534-0667
8. Waxy O' Connor's
have plenty of traditional Irish food being served all day, Irish
music, and a DJ playing well into the wee hours of the morning.
Because: Though technically not a party, do you really think it won't
turn into a rowdy, drunken free-for-all? We thought so.
Who'll Be There: People who actually like Irish food.
11 a.m. to 5 a.m., 1248 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-534-7824
7. Democratic Republic of Beer
watering whole is a small space, but you can make a party of it with
their Shepherd's pie for $5 while washing it down with a $3 pint of
Murphy's Irish Red or Murphy's Irish Stout.
Go Because: Cheap beer
Who'll Be There: Beer Snobs who think they're not taking part in any type of St. Patrick's Day revelry.
5 p.m. to 5 a.m., 255 NE 14th St., Miami, 305-372-4161
6. Irish State of Mind II at Bougie's
music will be played by Deuces Wild and The Rejects. Put the $4 green
beers and $8 Irish car bombs to good use at the drunk tank to raise
money for Camillus House.
Go Because: There'll be a real life leprechaun on the bar pouring free shots (we're not even joking)
Who'll Be There: All the local college kids and anyone who enjoys free shots
1 p.m. to 5 a.m., 7221 SW 58th Ave., Miami, 305-669-8577
5. Patrick's Cabbage Patch Bash at Tobacco Road
of these things is not like the other: Food trucks, ladies cabbage
wrestling, sexy pickle eating contest, salad tossing, Cabbage Patch
dance-off, and green brews.
Go Because: You're as curious about cabbage wrestling as we are
Who'll Be There: Frat guys, corporate guys, recently divorced guys, and other guys
2 p.m. to 5 a.m., 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-374-1198.
4. The Lucky Clover Grand Opening Block Party
a part of The Lucky Clover's grand opening party with live music, light
bites, and complimentary cocktails. Musical entertainment will include
two sets by the U2 tribute band Mad World Orchestra, and daytime sets by
Tilt, and Sound Blast.
Go Because: The U2 tribute band actually sounds cool
Who'll Be There: Confused folks who think they're at that other Irish pub downtown
Starting at 1 p.m., 1111 SW First Ave., Miami, 786-691-2750
3. John Martin's St. Patrick's Day Street Fair
its 19th year, this drunken street feat is still one of the local
favorites. Party down Coral Gables' Salzedo Street and Aragon Avenue
along with a massive amount of other people.
Go Because: You're not claustrophobic
Who'll Be There: Your mom, your mom's mom, and your neighbor's mom
5 p.m. to 2 a.m., 253 Miracle Mile, Coral Gables, 305-445-3777
2. Street Festival at Brickell Irish Pub
with a massive stage, six live bands, DJs, barbecued grub, and beer
trucks, you'll feel like you're at an actual festival instead of just, you know, walking around.
Go Because: You can't find a babysitter and you can actually bring your kiddos to this
Who'll Be There: Live music lovers of all types
Noon to midnight, 1451 South Miami Ave., Miami, 305-381-6651
1. Paddython 2012 at Fado Irish Pub
pot of gold of parties starts at 8am with "Pints and Pancakes"--for $10
you can have an all you can eat pancake feast and plenty of Guinness.
The rest of the day includes The National U2 Tribute Show featuring
USA-U2, rugby, pipers, Irish folk dancers, and access to multiple beer
Go Because: You can drink for almost 24 hours straight and have an excuse
Who'll Be There: The co-workers you don't want to see and all of FIU
8 a.m. to 5 a.m., 900 S Miami Ave., Miami, 786-924-0972
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.