Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos: September Edition
Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
Last Sunday morning, estaba cojiendo tremenda nota en after hours y la nota me dio una idea to dedicate one of my weekly articles to naming the five biggest sapingos in Miami for each month.
Bueno, ya no te doy mas muela. Aqui lo tienen.
5. Thug Life
Yesterday, a 23-year-old piece of shit was arrested in Clearwater for shooting at Hialeah police officers in a drive-by style shooting on Okeechoobee Road. Yo no se lo que se piensa el comepinga este, but unfortunately for him, even shooting at cops with an AK-47 isn't enough to distract people's attention from the fact that he looks a cross between Pitbull circa 2004 and a shaved bird.
Images via Ozonemag.com, Barcroft Media
Coño, no es por nada, pero I lived in Hialeah in the '90s and I used to see gangeritos like this in Lago Grande and Mango Hill all the time. Guys like this would spend $200 on an 8-pack gold grill at USA Flea Market y se hacian los guapito so they could drink quarts of "Old E" and fuck chongas with no condoms in the cave at Amelia Earhart park.
Besides fathering some unwanted children and playing host to a few chlamydia outbreaks, they were pretty harmless, but every once in a while, you'd have that one rasca huevo who listened to the Makaveli album one too many times and suddenly started committing crimes like he was the lead actor in the balsero version of Boyz n the Hood. This comepinga is no different.
Fortunately, they caught this mojon atravesado. And between what he's charged with y los ojitos eso, I think it's safe to assume that this dipshit will be trading in gunshots for dick shots in the face for a long time to come.
4. Papayuda Sin Verguenza de Little Havana
If you guessed that I'm talking about Miami Marlins pitcher Heath Bell, then it's time for you to stop torturing yourself and switch off the Florida Sports channel (at least until basketball season starts).
With one of the most deplorable ERAs in Major League Baseball and the bloated salary of a mid-level coke dealer, Heath Bell has proven that he's more useless than Whitney Houston's N.A. sponsor. To add insult to injury, el muy comepinga claims to own up to his pathetic performance by saying "I'm not closing, I know that," pero el tipo sigue cobrando el cheque y cagandose en Miami. In my book, you call that tremendo singao.
Heath, you're the closer, pipo. If you can't close, retire and get the fuck out of my city. Stop complaining that no one talks about your teammate's short comings. Stop complaining about Guillen talking behind your back. You fucking suck. Quit crying like a little bitch and let your game do the talking. You want to know why you're playing like shit? Porque tienes un culo que parece un tanque de la Waste Mangement.
Oye saco de tarros, you're a professional athlete. Stop eating fritas and pan con lechon y metete en el focking gym a sudad un poco, coño. If that's too hard, metete a periquero pa la pinga. Si no, go ahead and keep acting like a 20 year old puta on her period and #TweetAPicOfYourBollo.
3. Marco "Rompe Pasion" Rubio
I don't have anything personal against Senator Rubio. Yo me cago en la politica, so I really don't give a shit what party he's affiliated with or what candidate he's backing. I don't agree with his position on the few social issues I actually care about, pero lo respeto con cojones for being a successful Cuban-American from Miami and a Miami Hurricane.
With that said, ya estoy hasta el culo con el tipo. The entire month, I haven't been able to sit through a game without seeing a fucking commercial con el orejon de pinga ese. It all culminated this week when I was getting ready to rajarme tremenda paja sabrosa to the sexy texts I was getting from my favorite Cuban-American model "The Suarez." She and I have this ongoing sexting relationship que me deja la morronga echo un palo.
As soon as I got her first text, ya se me empiezo a inflar el monstro. Then I look up, and that fucking commercial with him talking about Medicare came on.
Cojones, I get that he wants to show support for his candidate, pero el tipo esta mas feo que un susto. Every time the guy shows up on TV, its like a boner holocaust in my bedroom. If this shit continues, las jevitas se van a pensar que soy tremendo pasmado, and I can't have that shit. I know it's not his fault that the Romney campaign has saturated Miami airwaves with images of that giant growth on his shoulders he calls a head, pero coño compadre, you could have done a voice over, or worn a hat or a fucking savana over that thing. Me cago en diez! Pero pa la pinga, it's only for another month or so more, y el disability me cubre la Cialis so I guess I'll deal with it. Besides, Rubio keeps it Miami as fuck; instead of Q-tips, I hear he uses a mop and mistolin to clean those giant watackas out.
Slow Burn Theatre Co: Big River
TicketsThu., Mar. 30, 7:30pm
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Jimmy Carr: The Best Of, Ultimate, Gold, Greatest Hits Tour
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:00pm
Illusionist Rick Thomas
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:00pm
Katt Williams: Great America Tour
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:30pm
2. Peluquita Carpenter
I typically don't like to pick on athletes in my favorite teams for having a bad game, but Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter definitely shaved about five years off my life con la clase de empingue que coji con el. It's no secret that Carpenter is probably one of the better players the Dolphins have had in the last five years. I mean, the guy holds the franchise record for the longest field goal ever made. In fact, if it wasn't for him, Bush, Miller, y mi parnita Vernon, I would be boycotting the Dolphins altogether. I realize every player is entitled to have a few bad games, pero cojones brode did it have to be against the fucking Jets?!
Manda pinga, ya estoy alterado de nuevo! Dan, you fucked up, pipo, and I'm not going to lie, I'm probably going to be cagadome en la hora que nacistes until the next Jets game. I'm confident that it was a fluke and won't happen again, pero to be sure, I think you should take a trip over to Little Havana and talk to una vieja Santera pa que te haga una limpieza because I don't think I can go on with life if you turn into another Heath Bell. Besides, while you're there you can go see a legit Miami barber que te corte la tejita de pinga esa and will cut your hair like a man, porque mi brode, estas tirando tremenda pinta de llegua asi.
1. Herpes Incarnate
Topping off the sapingo list for the month of September is none other than Miami's biggest shit stain, Jeff "Metete Un Tiro" Ireland. A couple of weeks ago, my rant about Ireland and Ross made the cover of the print version of this publication, pero almost like clockwork, a few days later, Ireland gave all of Miami yet another reason to detest his existence.
During the Oakland game, Ireland called a fan an asshole for having the balls to tell him to his face what all of Miami has been screaming for the last few years: "You should fire yourself." The fact that a franchise GM had the audacity to mutter an insult to not only a fan, but a veteran season ticket holder, is bad enough. But the fact that it came out of Ireland's putrid face exacerbates the whole situation ten-fold.
Who the fuck does this guy think he is? In February of 2011, a Detroit Pistons fan se las paso con el LeBronsito and made disrespectful comments about his mother within earshot of his two young sons. And what did the greatest basketball player in the world say back? "Say whatever you want to say to me. Just don't be disrespectful, alright? Alright, OK?"
Forget for a moment that we're talking about LeBron James, who's so fucking good at what he does, he could have slapped that guy with the head of his dick and nobody would have thought twice about it. As a man, LeBron had every right to knock that comepinga out for disrespecting his mother and his kids. But he didn't. He showed restraint to avoid embarrassing the team and the city.
Take that situation and compare it to this latest Ireland incident, and you realize that the Dolphins franchise is run by a pack of retarded chimpanzees. Jeff Ireland needs to keep his fat mouth shut when he hears his team's supporters voice their opinion about his performance. In fact, if Stephen Ross is going to insist on keeping him on as GM, he should do something for the fans and take a day where the franchise invites all the season ticket holders to the stadium to literally take a shit on Jeff Ireland. There's only like 15 of them left, so it's not like its going to take very long.
Jeff, how dare you call a fan an asshole for calling you out on the horrible job you've been doing? I'll tell you what -- since you're so inclined to let people know how you feel after they criticize you, I'll tell you how I feel about you. I think you're the worst thing to happen to humanity since the Spanish Inquisition. I think your mom is a saint, because after you were born, she had the doctor stitch her bollo closed to spare the world from having to deal with another person walking the Earth with your same DNA -- and that's why your father hates you. The only way to describe you is to say that you're the unfortunate result of alcohol and bad sperm. You're literally less appealing as a person than a bag of assholes. You're so deplorable, they show your picture to deaf people to let them know they're about to die. Oh, and you suck at your job. What do you have to say about that, pipo?
Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete.
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