Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos: January Edition
Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
Well, a new month is upon us, and you know what that means! A new set of food stamps to trade for cash en la bodeguita de la esquina, and we get to name January's sapingos of the month.
Just the Funny Mainstage Show
TicketsSat., May. 27, 9:00pm
Dance Through The Ages: Bright Lights, Big Cities
TicketsSun., May. 28, 11:00am
Magique - Experience The Illusion
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
Israeli Dance Festival: Hope
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
5. "Patty" La Pata Sucia
Background: Three weeks ago, the official "pata sucia" archive went live on the web, and people from all over Miami began sending in pictures of comemierdas walking around in public with no shoes on. Today, two years after I first began my campaign to shed light on this 305 epidemic, I finally received something that sums up the message I've been trying to spread since I first trended the phrase PataSucia on Twitter.
Meet Patty, aka ""Patty," la Pata Sucia," aka the perfect, if fictional, personification of how ratchet and uncouth it really is to be una Pati-Puerca. While "Patty" may be female, this title applies to males just as much, if not more, in some cases.
"Patty" loves afterhours, almost as much as she loves buying zapatos Mickey Mouse at Mall of the Americas. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like she feels as strongly about preventing that fungal bacterial infection from swelling her left foot into Kuato from Total Recall.
One look at this girl's hoofs, and I knew that bollo was trouble porque acere... los carros sometimes come con un GPS, pero los pingus vienen de factoria con GSP-- Global Sucia Positioning y el mio nunca falla! Anyone stupid enough to walk around an afterhours club at 10 a.m. sin zapatos is either un indio o tremendo singao y ya yo tengo bastante problema con el autocorrect del focking iPhone de pinga este, para estar comiendo mierda con ratcheteras media mongolica.
4. Manuel Cruz
El hijo de puta este made news a couple weeks ago, when he was arrested for knocking out a girl for refusing to have sex with him. The news focused on the fact that the girl he hit is 17 and that he's a teacher at Hialeah High, but later it was revealed that she's not a student at the school. Pero a mi la pinga, fuck this piece of shit.
Turns out Manny's justification for his actions was that he and the girl were getting drunk on Scotch y emarijuanandose and he wasn't in control of his actions.
So what Manny basically admitted to the world is that he's un focking penco que no puede aguantar la nota, which is basically the worst thing you can possibly be besides being a child molester, a woman beater, or un indio cabezon que nunca singa.
A few months ago, I explained to some of my fans on Facebook why pencos are such pieces of shit, pero this being the New Times, I'd like to give you a little insight too.
In this world there are two types of people: pingus y comepingas. Un comepinga never gets any bollo because girls know that un comepinga is the kind of guy that will never notice that she has tremendo culo because he 's too busy complaining that her pechugas are too small. When comepingas don't get any bollo, la leche se le acomula en el cerebro and they become frustrados. Frustrados can't handle rejection and become overzealously violent when confronted because they don't want people to realize they're actually pencos porque ni un penco respeta a otro penco.
3. Kendall Dog Fucker
Antes de acostarme el Domingo, I checked the email for Instaputa.com to find that a girl named Allyssa Rosales claiming to be from Kendall had sent me a video of her getting tremendo morrongaso by un perro sarnoso with the subject line "blow this up ;)" My brain was appalled, but my dick was confused. As you can see from the pic, la jeva esta preciosa, pero cojones just thinking of all la bacteria y el churre que debe de llevar el animal ese, y se lo esta pegando al pobre perro ese. I was grossed out, so me raje una paja, y bote el email pa la pinga, writing it off as a bullshit email.
The next day when I awoke and logged onto Facebook, I was shocked when I saw that she had not only posted it to her own account, but it had accumulated tens of thousands of shares within a few hours (estas pastillas me tinen el esleep eschedule echo una mierda).
I really don't know when this generation of young people decided that having integrity takes a backseat to fame (or infamy) when the opportunity ever presents itself, but if these little 21 year old putas are going to continue uploading videos of them pushing the lines of suciedad, me voy a mudar pa Cuba pa la pinga porque me van a quitar los views pal carajo y me voy a quedar sin billete. Yo ando hablando mierda hasta por gusto, singo como un chivo y camino con un braso metido en el culo las 24 horas and I still can't compete with that. I included Alyssa in this month's list because while I'm not exactly one to judge someone on their particular brand of perversion (unless it deals with a kid, non consensual partner, o un indio cabezon) if she really wanted to become famous, she could have just let me give her un mangeraso and avoided all the fleas and animal abuse charges.
2. Stephen Ross
Me cago en la puta madre que lo pario.
1. El Equivocado Mas Grande De Miami
Oye, don't bother refreshing the page; the FBI has not raided a shopping center in Miami. No, this saco de mojones is the security guard at Chico's Restaurant in Hialeah. If you've never eaten at Chico's, you're seriously missing out on some delicious Cuban food, but like you, there are many that actually live in Hialeah that have yet to discover the wonders of raising your cholesterol level 60 points in one sitting. Why, you ask? Because of Sargent Sapingo here. El aborto este se pasa el dia "patroling" the 30 or so feet between la ventanita de cafe and the front door, dressed like a federal agent and harassing patrons who park too close to the yellow separation lines in the parking lot in front of the restaurant. Apparently, according to an actual delinquente friend of mine that actually eats at the place at least once a week, the restaurant seems a lot slower than it has traditionally been. The management blames the economy; I blame the Valsan Vice Squad.
I'm willing to bet that if Chico's replaces this comepinga with una vieja echandose fresco en el bollo in front of these problematic parking spots, not only will it have the same effect on patrons who have shit for skills when it comes to driving into straight lines, but it will end the suspicion of unsuspecting and potential customers that Chico's is constantly being raided.
Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete.
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