Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

It's spring in South Florida, and you know what that means: the annual migration of a truly fascinating breed, the common Spring Breaker.

So many of these specimens choose our home as their March and April vacation destination. Some make pilgrimages from far-off states in the Midwest. Others live and go to school here, shedding the skin of their normal, respectable lives for one week of Spring Break revelry. Either way, who could blame 'em? Miami and its environs offer anything and everything to people with some expendable dough and the freedom of not having to set their alarm clocks for seven straight days. And with the St. Patrick's Day overlap, the Breakers were in top form last weekend.

We studied the drinking, partying, and mating patterns of the common Spring Breaker in three Miami neighborhoods where spring breakers were getting their vacay on: Brickell, South Beach, and Westchester.

Read on to see our Spring Break revelers in acción.

The pool is filled with coleslaw? No way, bro.
The pool is filled with coleslaw? No way, bro.

​The Derby Breaker in her natural environment
Tobacco Road had a helluva Spring Patty's celebration Saturday, which included an appearance by the fiercely gorgeous women of Miami's Vice City Rollers, our local roller derby team. You can tell the young lady above is the happy-go-lucky type -- and she's ready to throw down.

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

The Barrel-Chested Lookie-Loo Breaker
Here, a couple guys (and apparently the Travelocity gnome) cheer on the lovely Derby Breakers, recording their antics to impress their peers back at the nest.

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

Displays of Dominance
Two ladies from the Miami Vice City Rollers demonstrate how some women can simultaneously inspire in others both arousal and fear. We told you these bitches were fierce.


Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

A Cross-Section of BreakersWe're not sure exactly what was going on here. All we know is that everyone looks drunk and happy, and they seem to be enjoying themselves -- immensely. Don't hate, just 'cuz you're late -- for the rapture.

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

The Westchester Pierced-Tongued Breaker
You really know how to party if you're kicking it en la sowesera, yo. One merry band of spring breakers, including one from Ave Maria University (ay dios mio), kicked it at New Wave Billiards right across from Florida International University's South Campus on SW 107th Avenue. Above two of the revelers show off their school spirit in the parking lot.

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

The "She Must've Been A Girl Scout, Because She Came Prepared" Breaker
Female spring breakers in Miami like to keep it classy. Are they about to walk into an establishment and flash their boobs for free drinks? Hell to the no. They'll do what any true lady would do and bring bottles (and bottles and bottles) of alcohol and drink in the parking lot. Hello!

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

And when every last drop of alcohol is gone from their bottle(s), they'll buy their own damn drinks, thank you very much!


Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

The Duckfaced Clubbing Breaker
And of course, Spring Break just wouldn't be Spring Break without some South Beach-style clubbing. Above, two locals display their 305 swag at LIV. What we want to know is, where did they get their accessories? We would love to rock a plastic headband/LIV sunglasses combo.

Miami Spring Breakers: An Anthropological Study

The Oceanic Bikini-Clad Breaker
Hey, these two festive faces look familiar! The awesome thing about partying on the beach after hours is that you can just hop on a boat the next day -- and you already have your sunglasses on. Again, we wonder where these two fashionistas shop -- we want an "I Survived Spring Break 2012" t-shirt too!

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