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Miami Renaissance Festival: Fake Brits, Gay Shahs, and Kick-Ass Falcons

Carnies generally have an unkempt, disheveled look to them. When you see them at the Miami-Dade County Youth Fair, you think to yourself, "Damn, what meth lab and/or Renaissance festival turned these guys down?"

Well, say what you want about their appearance or undeclared taxable income generated from their homegrown narcotics sales -- the carnies at the Miami Renaissance Festival know how to look and act the part.

Like meth labs, Renaissance festivals allow you to see and experience things you normally wouldn't see on a day-to-day basis. It's a wondrous world filled with dragons, midgets, and funny accents. The Miami Renaissance Festival, which runs through April 8th at the Cauley Square Historic Village about two miles south of buttfuck Egypt, is no exception. If you're into shit like Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: The Gathering, you're probably aware of what to expect and have already written up a list of errata which questions the event's authenticity. If not, read on and judge whether or not it's worth your time.

The world of fantasy is conveniently located next to the Tea Room which offers sweet 16s.
The world of fantasy is conveniently located next to the Tea Room which offers sweet 16s.

The world of fantasy is conveniently located next to the Tea Room which offers sweet 16s.

I

had never been to a Renaissance festival. The closest experiences I've

had were visits to Medieval Times while under the influence or playing EverQuest

during my college years, usually after putting in my hours at the Burlington Coat

Factory which, contrary to what they may lead you to believe, are most

definitely not mooooore than great coats. I'm not exactly an expert, is what I'm saying.

But here's what I gathered upon entering: The Miami Ren-Fest

takes place sometime in the late 15th century or very early 16th

century, based on the fact that you can find Ferdinand of Aragon,

Isabella of Castile, and their batshit insane daughter Princess Joanna among the characters. Beyond the magical gates flanked with rebellious teens dressed the part but still

exhibiting the "fuck my parents for making me do this" attitude, you

enter what's gotta be South Florida's biggest playing-pretend party

since the mayoral recall election.

They told me a story about how the dragon's name is "Phlegm."
They told me a story about how the dragon's name is "Phlegm."

They told me a story about how the dragon's name is "Phlegm."

You'll

find everything: knaves, maidens, bards, swashbucklers, wenches, and

other words I just Googled to give this narrative more color. The scene's got a

very carnival-esque feel to it; you walk around and people with

surreptitiously worn digital Casio watches do their best fake British

accents and pander to your desire to impress those around you by playing a game of chance. There was a game called "spear throwing" which

consisted of the player picking up a spear, and then throwing it. Renaissance-era game-namers were truly masters of their craft.

At one

point, in the archery range, I found myself immersed in the atmosphere --

only to have it blown when I heard some guy yelling at his friend, "Oye,

oye, oye, papo, mira p'aca." I tried to play it off like it was just

some sailor from Cádiz until he said, "Ñoooo."

This man wrote a book titled, "Memoirs of a Gay Shah."
This man wrote a book titled, "Memoirs of a Gay Shah."

This man wrote a book titled, "Memoirs of a Gay Shah."

There

seemed to be a stage at every turn. There were some commoners doing

improv, some wenches washing clothes (as wenches are known to do, even to

this day), musicians musing, dancers dancing, and comedians telling jokes

about the king or how their child died of being a child in the 15th

century. Then there was some genuinely cool shit like a couple of

falconers letting you snap a photo of you and your friends making direct

eye contact mere inches away from the evolutionary remnants of a

fucking dinosaur.

This is awesome.
This is awesome.

This is awesome.

But

the coolest, most chest-hair-puttingest thing at the festival is

jousting. If you're unfamiliar with what jousting is, it's the medieval

period's version of two tanks ramming into each other -- a simile, by the way, which

would garner way more enlistments into the army than those bullshit

"army of one" ads. It's two dudes on

horseback wearing heavy plate armor running directly into each other

with lances. The first one to get knocked off loses, and presumably gets

beheaded by the fat, non-Jonathan Rhys Meyers version of Henry VIII.

It's violent, pointless, and fun as shit to watch while eating a fat-ass

turkey leg.

Unfortunately, I missed the last showing for the

day. So because of that, I'm going to make up a story of how things

probably went:

It was a dark and cold spring afternoon in

Miami. On one end, Bastien Faucher, French knight hailing from Louis

XII's court. On the other, Diego Antonio Aragonés, representing the

Spanish crown. Announcing the bout was Joey Martinez, Cuban-American kid

from Braddock High School who asked someone if he could do it and they

said, "Sure, whatever, I'm on break."

Decked in full plate armor, the two

knights prepared for combat, locked eyes, and awaited Mr. Martinez's go. Lord Bastien set his iPhone to vibrate. As the roar of the crowd

reached its zenith, the horses neighed following the slap on the ass and

hurled toward each other. Metal to metal, the two fearless warriors

missed lances. Then they did it, like, four more times until one of them

finally got hit and fell off his horse at which point everybody got up

and left to go eat mini doughnuts and get baked. The end.

Yeah, "hookah."
Yeah, "hookah."

Yeah, "hookah."

The

place is open from 10 a.m. to sundown, so around 7 p.m. There's enough

stuff going on that you can spend a whole day there, though depending

on your attitude you may find yourself saying things like, "Alright dude, I just

want a beer, quit fucking around making jokes about how strange my

currency is." Considering you're going to be driving to Cutler Ridge,

AKA Miami's asshole, you might as well make a day of it. It's worth it,

and probably even more so if you dress up.

Besides, what would you rather be doing this weekend, hiding eggs in plain sight for stupid little kids, or totally not that?

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Cauley Square Village Shops

22400 Old Dixie Highway
Cutler Bay, FL 33170

305-258-0044

www.cauleysquareshops.com


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