Miami Movies Ranked Worst to Best: From 50 to 41
Anyone who has lived in South Florida for a prolonged amount of time has inevitably dealt with a relative or friend that's completely shocked another Hollywood exists right in our backyard. Having to explain this is to someone at some point in your life is like a Floridan's right-of-passage. The explanation of Florida's Hollywood, of course, has more to do with casinos and car dealerships, than it has to do with film production and famous people. You can usually see the disappointment on the person's face as they are told this Hollywood is not a place they really need to check out. It's pretty meh.
But despite the let down of Hollywood, Florida, Miami is likely the closest thing to Hollywood-East in the United States, and with new ground being broken on the Florida Film & Television Center last year, and some other proposed Miami film studio location in the works -- it promises to be even more Hollywood-like in the future.
But there is history of film in Miami, maybe even more-so than you know. To our count, 50 real(ish) films credit Miami as the place of production, some memorable, some not-so-much. We've decided to jot down all 50 of these films, and attempt to rank them, worst-to-best. And yes, we're sure you'll disagree with some -- if not all -- of our rankings.
Over the next few days, we'll be ranking them one by one.
See also: Miami Film Festival 2015: Jill Bauer and Ronna Gradus Talk Porn, Miami, and Hot Girls Wanted
50. Lost In The Hood
You might be telling yourself this movie sounds familiar, but trust me, you're thinking of Boyz In The Hood. Just trust me on this one, I'll explain: Lost In The Hood is a gay porno that is so graphic, so offensive, that it's been banned in the United Kingdom. Didn't see that one coming, did you? I'll spare you the details that I was forced read, but if you're into knowing things you can never forget, click here. Now, you need a shower.
There went on to be four more Lost In The Hood movies, which leads me to believe there was a market for them, which leads me to believe that I'm never shaking another dude's hand ever again.
49. National Lampoon's Pledge This!
"Executive Producer: Paris Hilton." Nope.
This movie takes place at South Beach University, for reals. Paris Hilton was actually sued over this movie because she refused to hype it after some nude scenes were included she was not a fan of. With a 0% Rotten Tomatoes rating Pledge This! is the third-worst rated movie on the Internet Movie Database ever, as in, ever-ever-ever-ever-ever.
48. Corpses Are Forever
Zombie movie blah-blah-blah. This one pinpoints the exact reasons the zombie apocalypse is upon us; apparently because of a deal long ago made with Satan. Actually, that makes some sense.
The British comedy about stealing credit cards has a 12-percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and annoying looking British people making stupid faces on the DVD cover. That's enough for me to put this near-the-bottom.
Slow Burn Theatre Co: Big River
TicketsThu., Mar. 30, 7:30pm
TicketsThu., Mar. 30, 8:00pm
Jimmy Carr: The Best Of, Ultimate, Gold, Greatest Hits Tour
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:00pm
Illusionist Rick Thomas
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:00pm
Katt Williams: Great America Tour
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 8:30pm
46. Blood Feast
Sixties gore-horror film about a chef that murders people, then feeds them to unsuspecting dinner guests. Not cool, bro.
45. Haunts of the Very Rich
ABC made-for-TV-thriller that centers around a hurricane causing mass-chaos and mysterious disappearances, honestly that sounds racist to me. This winner came out around the time the Miami Dolphins were finishing up the only undefeated season in NFL history, so I guess we showed them.
44. (three-way-tie) Miami, A Woman There Was, The Lotus Eater
These pre-1924 silent movies finish in a dead heat for being movies that none of us are ever going to watch.
41. Fair Game
This box office bomb starring supermodel Cindy Crawford and one of the lesser Baldwin brothers lost nearly $40 million.
Stay tuned for 40-31, coming at you tomorrow.
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