Miami Heat: Can We Do This?
As The Dissident, J.J. Colagrande turns his critical eye on Miami culture. This week: Can the Heat pull this thing out?
Heat Nation! We can do this. It won't be easy, but we can do this. Our backs are against the wall, but we can do this. Since the NBA Finals went to the 2-3-2 format, the team that is up 2-1 at the end of three games has gone onto to win 12 of 13 titles. (The one team that didn't? The Heat, in 2011 -- but we can do this.)
We lost by 36 points in Game Three, the third biggest blow-out in NBA Finals history -- but we can do this. Yes, we can! We won 27 games in a row this year! We have the league's MVP and the best player on the planet. We can do this.
It doesn't matter that the Heat are 3-23 when playing in San Antonio and the next two games are in San Antonio. We can do this! Can anyone really believe that the state of Texas is our Achilles, our Death Star--and we are its bitch? Come on. We can do this.
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
Young Contemporary Dance Theatre
TicketsSat., Jun. 3, 6:00pm
The 8th Baila Flamenco Student Dance Festival
TicketsSun., Jun. 4, 1:00pm
Cuban Classical Ballet of Miami
TicketsSat., Jun. 10, 8:00pm
TicketsSun., Jun. 11, 6:00pm
It doesn't matter that Tim Duncan (12pts), Mano Ginobili (7pts), and Tony Parker (6pts) combined for only 25 points in Game Three--one more than Gary Neal, and three less than Danny Green, an undrafted player and a player that was cut three times. Their Big Three didn't play up to their expectations, and the Heat still lost. Big time.
BUT WE CAN DO THIS. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
Exactly how the fuck we're going to do this, who knows. We need LeBron to step up in Game Four like Jordan stepped up in Game Four in 1993, 20 years ago, when Jordan put up a double nickel in Chuck Barkley's face. We need LeBron to take it to the rim. To drive, like he's fast and furious. LeBron has only been to the free throw line six times in all three Finals games--he went to the line 16 times alone against the Pacers in Game Seven. Drive to the motherfucking rim, dude.
We need to stop running the offense through Bosh, who also needs to stay in the paint and grab some rebounds. Don't allow second chance points. Birdman can't do it on his own. When exactly did Chris Bosh transform into Ray Allen and Mike Miller? Let Ray Ray and Mike Miller rain down the threes. Miller has only missed one three all series; he's nine for ten while Bosh is zero for five. So grab some rebounds, Bosh. NY based comedian and Miami native Al Jackson nailed it when he said, "Chris Bosh goes after rebounds with the enthusiasm of a germaphobe reaching for a bathroom door handle."
I haven't even mentioned D-Wade. By the way, have you seen him?
Still, this is the desperate mantra of Miami: WE CAN DO THIS. But we might need a little help. Cubans--call your abuela who knows that santero on the down low and let's light some candles or something. Please, someone go into Little Haiti and find a Vodouist who knows a Bokor who can pray to Simbi, the spirit of rain and magicians. It already feels like there is a voodoo priest who has jinxed us, putting pins into Pepe Billete or something--let's overpower that shit. Jews of Miami, call a rabbi; Catholics, reach out to a priest; yogis, meditate on the Heat during savasana; pagans, cut yourself and bleed for the red and black; and all you atheists, meh--just use your reason to figure this shit out. We need everyone to start throwing out some serious juju into the universe.
Whatever it takes, Heat Nation, WE CAN DO THIS.
Tony Parker's hurt--the juju's already building. Keep it up, Miami.
Because if we lose tonight, forget it -- we're fucked.
J.J. Colagrande is the author of the novels Headz and Decò. Follow him on Twitter.
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