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Masturbate-a-Thon and Other Fun Rapture Parties Across These United States of Sin

Masturbate-a-Thon and Other Fun Rapture Parties Across These United States of Sin
gsloan Flickr

The Rapture is looming. In fact, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, Judgment Day is supposed to go down tomorrow, which is a total bummer because May 21 is also the birthday of Mr. T. Poor Mr. T! We pity the fool.

But hold up: This isn't the first time the Rapture has been scheduled to occur, but some folks are still taking this mess seriously (perhaps its our proximity to the year 2012 or that recent rash of natural disasters). In response, most atheists are unleashing their inner cynics with oodles of Rapture parties that celebrate filthy, non-stop hedonism. Here's our round-up of the snarkiest fiestas del sin. Salute! And uh, hail Satan? (In case you're wondering, Miami has just one such party. We've listed it at the very end.)

Masturbate-a-Thon
Oakland, California (home of Family Radio Worldwide)
Held at the Center for Sex and Culture, Bay Area atheists invite all to the world's biggest circle jerk on May 21, 7-10 p.m. Their catchy tagline is "Be honest, what do you really want to be doing when it all ends?" Uh, eating endless cupcakes and freebasing on meth while watching non-stop reruns of Sex in the City on E! (and the other kind of "E")? Or maybe that's just us.

"Countdown to Backpedaling: The End is Nah!"
Tacoma, Washington
In response to all this noise, a Washington State call-in show called "Ask an Atheist" is throwing this shindig. There's no details as to what will occur at this event listed on their website, but in nearby Seattle, a very funny "Rapture Relief" website has been set up asking for donations for the damned. According to the site, the end of the world:

is obviously disconcerting news, and we thought

we'd lend a hand....While the rest of the world is tortured in this terrible Apocalypse

... elite squads of godless heathens will ... help bring people out of

the rubble and rebuild their lives.


And if  "Jesus doesn't come back, and life continues as normal," all the funds raised will go to

Camp Quest

, a program that teaches kids critical

thinking skills. Zing!

Rapture Party
Washington, DC
Nothing fancy, just a simple Yelp event posted by a "B.M." with this description:

So according to a small group of fundamentalist Christians, the Rapture

is coming May 21st, 2011. That's also a Saturday. I, for one, will most

assuredly not be going to Heaven, so I may as well spend the night

drinking before my life of eternal torment. So let's party like it's

1599!


Well said Bowel Movement, well said.

Masturbate-a-Thon and Other Fun Rapture Parties Across These United States of Sin
osseous Flickr

American Humanist Association's Rapture After Party
Fayetteville, North Carolina
In this Army town, the local chapter of the American Humanist Association has turned the Rapture into a two-day extravaganza, featuring a concert on the second day for all who survive. And although tickets are $25 a pop, sinners can win free passes by participating in an online contest: "Who Would Be Your Guests to the Rapture After Party?" For us, it was a toss-up between Sarah Palin and Muammar Gaddafi, but we finally settled on Kris Jenner.

Mr. Fire Island Leather Contest:
Okay, this isn't actually a Rapture party, we just find the fact that it's going down on May 21 pretty amusing.

Rapture After Party
Unfortunately you have to be logged-in to Facebook to view this beautiful event-invite by a Nick Rose from London, but it's almost worth signing up and creating an account on the social networking site just to take a gander at his post-Judgment day itinerary:

"Saturday 21st:

12:00 The goodie goodies get raptured to go see sky daddy
12:30 The period of "tribulation" will begin
13:00 With most of the population gone, shopping well get much easier
14:00 The anti-christ arrives with his hordes of sexy bitches and party animals
18:00 First mass orgy begins
20:00 The party starts!!! Wooo!!!
21:00 Second mass orgy
21:30 Granny punching contest
21:45 Baby-kicking contest
21:55 Vuvuzela contest
22:30 Punch and pie
23:59 Whats a rapture without a 3rd Orgy?

Sunday 22nd:

09:00 church burning sessions
12:00 Seal clubbing
13:00 Midget Olympics
15:00 Cock push-up competition
15:10 Vagina push-up competition
15:11 Realization that women cant do vagina pushups
15:12 Pony rides
15:30 Pony BBQ
16:45 Mild regret over activity during orgies
17:00 Beer tasting
18:00 Mid drink vomit
18:01 Back to beer tasting
20:00 Demolition derby
22:00 Sacrificing Rebecca Black to the FSM"

Post Rapture Looting
Even organizers, Ben Conner from Tempe, Arizona and Carl W Franke have lured 299,758 people to attend an event with this simple description: "When everyone is gone and god's not looking, we need to pick up some

sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion

we're going to squat in."

Then there's a bunch of events in cities like Houston, Texas and (Miami's equivalent of Canada) Ft. Lauderdale, which are endorsed by a site called American Atheists.org. They all sound a bit boring, so let's hop to a party right here in the 305 -- Exxxotica 2011.

Happy heathin' y'all!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami


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