Magic City Kitty Meows About Massage
I go to the gym at least three times a week, but not for the cardio — my masseur gives me hourlong rubdowns that throw me into ecstasy that I definitely shouldn't be experiencing in public. I am one of those guys who asks his date for a massage under the guise of "my aching back," but it's always about a little hands-on foreplay. Now that I'm paying this gorgeous hunk of a man to do me good (and do me right), I'm even more in the love with the idea of massage. But I'm still fiending for the follow-through. I get so horny when he starts rubbing me down, and I kinda think he flirts with me too. I don't want to be wrong and embarrass myself by actually making a move. I'm not sure if he's gay, but nevertheless I'm craving his brand of happy ending. Can I? Will he?
GEORGE LOPEZ - #THATSTRUE COMEDY TOUR
TicketsSat., Sep. 3, 8:00pm
Just the Funny Mainstage Show
TicketsSat., Sep. 3, 9:00pm
Just the Funny - After Hours
TicketsSat., Sep. 3, 11:00pm
Improv Acting 1 - Basic Scenework
TicketsTue., Sep. 6, 7:30pm
La Gaviota Productions & CCEM Present: La Calle Al Final Del Mundo
TicketsThu., Sep. 8, 8:30pm
Whoa, don't slut yourself out for the massage! Can you? Yes. Will he? Maybe. But should you? No.
You're not the first person to wish his massage therapist's finger would slip and touch a happy place, but this is America, not Germany. That shit is illegal here. I know it's hard (ahem) to resist your urges once you're half-naked with a sexy dude rubbing your body, but unless you're prepared to lose your gym membership and force him to possibly lose his job and license, you need to fall back. I know, I know, he rubs you down like no other. But that's what he's paid to do. And when it's over, he smiles at you and asks you how you feel. Guess what? He's paid to do that too. The best way to thank him for his services is to give him a tip or refer him to your friends, because like a true pro, he's in it only for the money.
If you insist on throwing your man-meat at him, there's a right way and a wrong way to find out if he's interested. Don't slowly tilt your ass upward as he rubs your lower back. Obvious? Yes. Sexy? No. Your best approach is to invite him for coffee or something outside the gym. If he accepts, you know he's at least a little interested in seeing what you're forced to hide under that towel. And remember, masturbation is an option and quite a happy ending — after you've left the massage table. Better yet, indulge in a bit of the stereotypical gay-man locker-room lovin'. But don't tell 'em I sent you. Meow.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.