Hello, Kitty: I have been dating this woman for about six months, and we have had some disagreements along the way. She is 30 years old, very attractive, and very low-key. Meaning she doesn't club, drink, smoke, sleep around, or anything else of the sort. She mostly stays home, watches TV, reads the Bible, and prepares lesson plans for her job (she's a teacher). However, there are some things that bother me about her. For one, she is a 30-year-old grandmother. Which means (to keep a long story short) she had a rough childhood and is not a very good parent. Number two, she has lied to me on a couple of occasions.
The last straw was when all of a sudden she comes out of nowhere and tells me she was a "bartender" at three different strip clubs around South Florida when she was a teenager. At this point, I feel like an idiot because I really don't even know the person who I have been involved with for the past six months. I am not so much disturbed by the fact that she was a bartender at a strip club than I am by the fact that she kept that from me for so long. So finally, my question is: Am I wrong for not trusting this woman? Thanks.
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Hey, Nottin: So, there are two sides to every coin. It sounds like you like this woman's even, responsible, Bible-reading head but aren't too crazy about her wild tail. A wise man (but a-hole boyfriend) once said to me that he'll "take the burger with the bun," meaning he was taking the good with the bad. An admirable feat but admittedly hard to do. This is the point where you have to make a pro/con list and figure out what's important, what's minute, and what you absolutely won't deal with in the relationship. If former strip club bartenders and 30-year-old grandmothers are deal breakers, it's time to move on to the next girl. But if you're willing to accept she's made some questionable choices in her past (which if you haven't done the same, my name is Susan) and work out the trust and honesty issues, you could be on to something good. I can't downplay her convenient omissions and white lies, but in her defense, the things she kept from you are things that tend to get judged pretty harshly. Some people need time to reveal their true selves. If this bothers you, many of the whores on Craigslist had abortions at 15 and never had to, uh, bartend.
Trust me, there are worse offenses to leave a woman over. If she's worth it to you, sit down and have a nonjudgmental conversation about trust and honesty. That's the real issue here — not who she was years before you two even met. However, if you're wondering how she might handle future uncomfortable confessions, she certainly seems to have an affinity for telling you things on a need-to-know basis. If you need to know more, you could be shit out of luck. Meow. Raina McLeod