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Let's All Stop Pretending Baby Sloths Aren't Vile, Filthy Creatures, Okay?

Don't be enticed by the infant!
Don't be enticed by the infant!
qmnonic flick

Up until recently sloths were known as only two things: 1) the super gross looking man-creature from The Goonies who Chunk befriends, and 2) the super-lazy-looking South American mammal with long, creepy claws that does nothing but hang out in trees Kardashian-ing it (aka doing nothing) all day long.

That is, until last year, when filmmaker Lucy Cooke spurred a sloths are cute! trend by releasing the very popular YouTube video Meet the Sloths. All of a sudden, everyone on the Interwebs was all, awww, aren't they snuggly? over the little guys. How did Cooke, with a little help from Animal Planet, accomplish this? By filming orphaned baby sloths at the Aviarios Sloth Sanctuary in Costa Rica being, well, adorable, orphaned, baby sloths.

Here at Cultist, we feel that it is our duty to give our readers a reality check. Sloths are not cute. They are nasty. Do not be blinded by the power of baby-ness! We've dug up five facts that prove sloths are filthy animals indeed. Feel free to eat your lunch while reading...especially if you're dieting.

Fact 1: They grow algae on their fur.
That's right, the disgusting tree-slime that you mistake for fish poop when you're cleaning out your home aquarium grows on these nasty little beasts, giving their coat a greenish hue. This makes them look like vegetation from afar, defending these lazy fucks from predators like eagles and jaguars.

Fact 2: They're all gross and lazy about dying.
When a sloth dies, they have been known to retain their grip on a branch and remain suspended in the tree in which they croaked. Lovely. We're sure that's not traumatic for sloth children. What if an adorable yet wretched baby sloth decides he wants to cuddle up and take a nap with his granny, only to find out nine to 14 hours later that Memaw is a carcass hanging from a tree like a piñata? And she's not filled with candy. She's filled with death. Stop being so lazy and think about your children, sloths. They are your future!

Fact 3: They will bite a bitch.
According to an interview Boing Boing did with a Dr. Donald E. Moore, a man who hates himself enough to become a sloth biologist at Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C, one day a female sloth, for no good reason, came rushing towards him "upside down along a vine, as fast as a cat would run along the floor. She grabbed me and pulled my hand to her mouth and then bit." That is not cute. That is bitchy.


[Ed. note: I have personally witnessed a sloth bite a human. It drew blood from the hand of a perfectly pleasant, 16-year-old tourist from Germany. True story.]

Fact 4: They are full of shit.
Sloths only come down from trees once a week to poop (according to Susan E Goodman). And when they do, they do a creepy little dance that looks like this:

Fact 5: They have nasty-ass diets:
Or, should we say, nasty ass-diets. Speaking of poop, sometimes they'll eat it. And not their own poop, people poop. And swim in it as well. Don't believe us? If these photos don't stop you from lovin' on sloths, nothing will.

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