LeBron James Is Cursed, Robert Rodriguez's Machete Is Boring, and the Poopnoodle Is a Lie

The Miami Heat start playing preseason games in exactly 34 days, 1 hour, and 51 minutes. Soon all of Miami will know whether LeBron-mania was just a temporary schizoid fit or a permanent state of being. Are we gonna stay crazy forever, mama?

Probably not. For now, though, people are saying some looney shit. According to a report from New Times staff writer Gus Garcia-Roberts's Dept. of Overblown Hype, everybody from President Obama to Flo Rida has fallen victim.

Also culled from this week's rag: Carlos Mencia, crappy movies, and the urban legend known only as the "poopnoodle."

Crazy people laugh a lot. Sane people laugh when it's appropriate. No matter ... Lunatics and normies will come together this weekend when a flood of funny dudes hit town.

First up, the Fort Lauderdale Improv's got David Alan Grier:

He's still mostly known for his various roles on In Living Color, including the very fab Antoine Merriweather. "Two snaps up!"

Then the Miami Improv's got Josh Blue, the guy who claims to put "the cerebral in cerebral palsy."

As a stand-up who refuses to recognize limits -- not even his own physical disability -- Blue is kinda like George Carlin with a crazy arm.

Next, there's the the James L. Knight Center's Best of the South Comedy Tour starring Marvin Dixon, who says:

"We have an I-don't-give-a-damn attitude. We go for what we know. We go for what we've been around and how we've been raised. Everybody in the country can relate to the South."

And last, you got beaner expert Carlos Mencia stopping for one-night at both the Fort Lauderdale and Miami Improvs:

When Carlos Mencia first brought racist road signs ... to the American television audience in July 2005, certain critics slagged him as Comedy Central's cheap replacement for Dave Chappelle. In the couple of years since Mind of Mencia was canceled, though, the Honduran joker has flashed his real master plan. He wants to star in PG-13 comedies like Our Family Wedding and score a network sitcom.

Hahahahaha! Go laugh like a crazy guy.

Sergio Garcia's Baby VI from the walls of Straight 8's.
Sergio Garcia's Baby VI from the walls of Straight 8's.

Speaking of wackos, New Times art critic Carlos Suarez De Jesus ran into Miami Mayor Tomás Regalado at Fabbrica, artist Gino Tozzi's "sprawling complex scheduled to open this December to coincide with Art Basel." Then he headed over to O Cinema where partners Vivian Marthell and Kareem Tasch plan to show weirdo flicks like Salò, or the 120 days of Sodom and Freaks:

"Lots of fucked-up S&M stuff happens in the first one, but it's still beautiful to look at," Tabsch says. "The other one deals with the life of carnies and human oddities. That movie pretty much ruined Browning's career, but it's unforgettable."

Zohar Strauss as Jamil from Lebanon.
Zohar Strauss as Jamil from Lebanon.

The schizo split continues with movies. Our A brain, J. Hoberman, just saw Samuel Maoz's Lebanon and he started screaming about it being "the best movie of the year":

Lebanon, written and directed by Samuel Maoz, is not only the year's most impressive first feature but also the strongest new movie of any kind I've seen in 2010. Actually, Lebanon -- which won the Golden Lion at Venice after being rejected by Berlin and Cannes -- hardly seems like a debut, perhaps because it's based on a scenario Maoz had been replaying in his head for nearly 30 years.

Murder is boring in Machete.
Murder is boring in Machete.

Meanwhile, our B brain, Karina Longworth, just saw Robert Rodriguez's Machete and she sighed something about it sucking a big one:

When Machete isn't laugh-out-loud funny, it's deathly boring. The best that can be said about it is that its makers are self-aware about its superficiality and even nod to it in an exchange between Alba and Trejo in the final scene. "You can be a real person," she says. His response: "Why would I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?"

LeBron James Is Cursed, Robert Rodriguez's Machete Is Boring, and the Poopnoodle Is a Lie

Finally, the most loco blurb of the day is a reader question from -- where else? -- Dan Savage's weekly freakfest:

Poopnoodle. I heard this word for the first time today. When I asked what, exactly, a poopnoodle is, I was told that a poopnoodle is what happens when you pee right after fucking someone hard in the ass. Poop gets stuck up in the dick hole and comes out in the form of a noodle when you piss. I was wondering if this is something that actually happens, and if so, can you deem "poopnoodle" the official Savage Love term for this occurrence?


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