OK, we know she isn't an unfunny asshole. In fact, no matter how much we want to call her nasty names, Kathy Griffin seems pretty goddamn delightful. But we're hurt. The Emmy-winning comedian will be in town this Wednesday at Hard Rock Live and we had been giddy with excitement at the prospect of getting an exclusive 15 minutes with the self-proclaimed D-lister. Bad news, though ... We got brutally rebuffed. Only those bitches over at the Miami Herald are going to get to talk to her highness.
So, if any of you amateur paparazzi run into Ms. Griffin while she's bumming around SoFla, please ambush her and get us some answers to these seven questions.
1. You relentlessly razz Lindsay Lohan for her strict diet of pilates and cocaine, minus the pilates. But you're pushing 50 and you've got a suspiciously sweet bod. Are you La Hohan's personal trainer?
2. We've all watched your show My Life On The D-List costarring your tour manager Tom. C'mon, really? Tour manager, my ass. How many times a week is he penetrating you?
3. You're a serious ginger. Um ... That's all.
4. You realize you dated the ugly one from Apple (AKA Steve Wozniak), right? What was the plan there, Kath? First dibs on the iPad?
Coke and botox does a body good.
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5. You've been out and about with Levi Johnston multiple times. We don't have too much to say, except: Keep that shit up, sister. Can you even imagine the rage seizures Sarah's having right now?
6. You once starred on Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Do you hate her dumb-ass eyelash growing commercials as much as we do?
7. Your ex-husband stole over $70,000 from you and you really didn't seem THAT pissed about it. So, can I get $20?