So you lost your summer internship with the yakuza after they saw that your back was covered with temporary Spongebob tattoos. Not to worry! There's still a chance to score big during the summer hustle, as long as you don't run your lemonade stand like some piss-stained wuss. Run it like a motherfuckin' bawse!
While all the future narcs are off at sleep-away camp, we got insider tips from documentarian Matthew Cooke, whose new film How to Make Money Selling Drugs opens at O Cinema on July 4. It explores the effects of the drug war on American communities and features interviews with Florida drug heavies like Brian O'Dea and Bobby Carlton, as well as drug war opponents like The Wire creator David Simon and the recently rehabbed Eminem.
Join us now, as Cooke applies the lessons of the drug trade to your summer lemonade stand. What could go wrong?
Getting Started
When you're dealing, you stand outside and you spark a joint. That's all you have to do. People are going to walk by, they're going to smell the marijuana and want to smoke some. It's a community building exercise.
Same with lemonade. Lemonade drinkers are notoriously relaxed and friendly and you are going to meet people from all over your community who you didn't know were your friends. Local law enforcement will see you as an asset, but they're going to wait until you have a lot of clients so they can harvest a lot of statistics.
Grow Your Own
Anyone in any business knows that the middle man takes a lot of the profits. You can go to your local grocery store and buy a bunch of lemons, but it'd be a lot better to grow them yourself. Once you set up your initial infrastructure, you'e going to save a lot of money. Plus, if you're a lemonade drinker yourself, you get to experience the joy of a natural, organic product.
Expanding Your Business
People really love lemonade. But sometimes they're tired and they want a lemonade-flavored pick-me-up. You're famous for your lemonade, so now you offer lemon energy drink mix. Once you have a clientele that knows you have one thing, they're going to come back for their other needs, as well. The wealthier clientele is going to be excited to show off, because only very wealthy actors and entertainers can afford your lemon energy drink mix.
Protect Your Neck
Once your lemonade stand has reached the popularity it has now, when people are coming to you for lemonade and energy drinks, you'll realize you're out there on the street and that your lemonade stand has no walls. You might as well have a big sign that says, "Hey, rob me." Your only recourse in this situation is to defend yourself. You better have an arsenal of weaponry and a good deal of sociopathy.
Hire Backup
A lemonade gang -- that's a great idea. It's smart to have a few lookouts on the corner to defend you. Get people on the roof with binoculars and high-powered rifles to defend anyone else setting up a lemonade stand in the neighborhood. There's no zoning for lemonade stands, so you need to rely on yourself and your people. Find the craziest, scariest, most dangerous people and hire them to stand around your lemonade stand. You need a healthy balance of people who are scary but won't scare away business.
Stay Ahead of the Law
With your business that big, you're going to keep things running by having other people help you run the business. You're going to retreat into a number of apartments. You're not going to have lemons in your own home. You don't want people smashing down the doors and coming in the windows for your lemons. Keep them in the empty apartments in case you have trouble with the LEA, the Lemon Enforcement Agency, or a rival lemon gang.
By this point, you might be manufacturing a synthetic lemon product. Synthetic lemons don't go bad and don't need refrigeration. Real lemons are more pricey and most people don't know when they're getting Nutrasweet instead of real sugar.
Exit Strategy
You want to have a financial goal in mind, like once you have $10 million, you're going to want to leverage it and buy a legitimate business. Maybe a high fructose carbonated beverage. Go into soft drinks and candy for kids. You'll want a sugar content that will lead the kids to get attention deficit disorder, which will lead to pharmaceutical drugs, which will be your next industry.
How to Make Money Selling Drugs opens at O Cinema on July 4. Visit O-Cinema.com.
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