By now you've probably heard the heartwarming story of
Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake agreeing to accompany soldiers to the Marine
Corps Ball, a decision undoubtedly made due to Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis
being wonderful people and certainly not because they are trying to drum up
publicity for their new film, Friends With Benefits. (The outlier in this situation is this soldier asking out Betty White.)
Kudos to these soldiers for reaching the pinnacle of human achievement:
getting a date with a celebrity, even an 80-year-old one. But what about the rest of us who have spent
our lifetime avoiding military service? We here at Cultist, we have all the moves
you need to get a date with the celebrity of your dreams without joining the
If movies have taught us anything, it's that hostage takers can make all the absurd requests they want and the hostage negotiator (usually played by Forrest Whitaker, who is, for the record, very datable) will bend over backward to meet those demands. All you need to do is hold up a bank and ask for dinner with Marisa Tomei, and it's as good as yours. Plus with your position of power, you could likely finagle the FBI into paying for a swanky locale for the date. Yes, you will probably go to jail, but play your cards right and maybe Miss Tomei will wait for you to get out of the pen.
Extensive Plastic Surgery
You aren't attractive enough to date a celebrity. Celebrities date supermodels or, if they are a Kardashian, marginally talented athletes. So if you want to have a night to remember with Juliette Lewis, you should probably schedule an appointment with your area's most talented plastic surgeon. Don't skimp on it either. Get the works: tummy tuck, face-lift, penis enlargement, whatever. We suggest getting enough plastic surgery that you actually look like your celebrity's current lover and just assume that person's identity. After you eventually marry and have children with the celebrity, you can reveal to them your deception and laugh at the lengths people will go to find true love.
Torpedo Their Career
How much easier would it be to snag a date with your celebrity crush if they just weren't a celebrity? Don't wait around for your date to make questionable career choices on their own -- be proactive! With some foresight and planning, you can trick them into developing a debilitating drug problem or even massive weight gain and give them the shove from A to D
list they need to consider going out with you. Besides, the sex is always better when they're emotionally damaged. Who knows, you might just snag yourself a VH1 series in the process.
Become Famous Yourself
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Andy Warhol said that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes (we never would have dated Warhol -- he always seemed a little too needy for our taste). Now, if you had any discernible talent you could use to propel yourself into fame, you wouldn't be here looking for tips on how to score dates, but that's OK. We suggest aiming for Internet-celebrity status. It might be fleeting, but all you're looking for is that brief window of notoriety to make your move. Try posting Harry Potter-themed song parodies on YouTube. Or if that's too much effort, simply post videos of you kicking people in the genitals. You'll be grabbing brunch with Kirsten Dunst in no time.
Become a Hero
Those soldiers got responses from Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis because soldiers have achieved Hero Status, a level of respect in our society also reserved for people who save kittens from trees and the dudes behind NBC's To Catch a Predator. Hero Status is by far the most surefire, and also the most arduous, way to get a date with a celebrity. Becoming a hero usually means putting your life in immediate danger and probably being in really good cardiovascular health, but you haven't been on a treadmill in months. So once again, kick someone in the balls and post the video on YouTube. You might not be guaranteed a date with a celebrity, but you'll have memories that will last forever.