How to Bluff Your Way Through the NBA Finals
No use resisting, this city is going to be silly with basketball talk over the next couple of weeks. Either Miami is going to lift its second NBA title trophy or we are going to be left laughing stock of the entire country who collectively hates the Miami Heat. Even with all NBA hoopla swishing around town, there are some of you out there - and you know who you are - who don't have the foggiest clue what all the fuss is about. You think the Three Kings is a parade in Little Havana. And you can't understand why America is suddenly rooting for Castro to invade Miami.
This is where Cultist steps in to give you a helping hand. Even if you abstain from sports-related water cooler talk, you can't really ignore what's going on right now. The Heat is already up a game in the NBA Finals. And with game 2 scheduled for tonight, it's time to get the scoop shot on what's going on. Read on for a Miami Heat NBA Finals Primer. It's either this, or actually watching the games, and trust us, you don't want that.
5. "I'm Taking My Talents to South Beach"
America's hate affair with the LeBron James, and by extension the Miami
Heat, started last summer during the televised "Decision" press
conference -- also known as the worst 60 minutes in television history.
James announced he was "Taking his talents to South Beach" and the rest
of the nation's vitriol followed. Then the team decided to have a huge
party before any of them had even
dribbled a ball together, further cementing the hate.
What to Say Around the Office to Look Even More Arrogant: "Looks like LeBron will be taking that trophy to South Beach." Or "We don't even need to
have a parade when we win; we already had it last summer."
4. Media Circus
Bad guys are always cooler than good guys, and so it was with the Heat
who despite being universally despised drew more media attention than
any other team, probably in any sport, and probably ever. No story
surrounding the team, no matter how small, failed to make headlines,
including Bump-Gate (when LeBron accidentally bumped into Coach Erik
Spoelstra), Cry-Gate (when players cried after a bad loss), and when
Dwyane Wade said that America was happy because the Heat were struggling
(which was true, until we stopped losing). The fervor picked up recently
with Miami's classy fans tormenting former-player and Heat critic
Charles Barkley with "Fuck You, Chuck" chants.
Dumb Joke to Say During Heat Game: "I heard Charles Barkley has been having
some stomach troubles lately. They say he has a bad case of theeArena
brought about by Miami's heat."
3. Dallas Connection
As fate would have it, the Heat's second trip to the NBA Finals is
against the same team we beat five years ago in the finals. And that team, the Dallas
Mavericks, and their fans, and especially their owner, are sore losers. The Mavericks were favorites the first time
around, but blew a two-game lead when they publicly took a dump in
their shorts. Though Miami won that series fair and square, the entire
city of Dallas led by Mark Cuban, accused the referees
of favoring the Heat in the series, going as far as to questions whether
the fix was in by the NBA.
What to Say to Annoy Dallas Fans: "Even Our Cubans are Better Than Yours."
2. Heat Player Primer
If you don't know about LeBron James and Dwyane Wade there's no hope for
you. But if you are lacking in knowledge about the rest of the team, this
is all you need to know: Chris Bosh is tall and skinny and
exceptionally skilled but lacks strength and aggression on occasion.
He's been maligned all season as the weak link in Miami's big three but
has given the rest of the country a shut-up-in-your-face sandwich during
the playoffs where he is playing like the velociraptor he looks like.
As for the rest of the team, the consensus around the country is that
you could replace them with the Miami New Times editorial staff and
still win a championship. Udonis Haslem, who is one of only two home- grown players for the Heat, uses time outs he likes to chew on his mouth guard like a nervous
toddler goes after his pacifier.
Coach Erik Spoelstra is one of the youngest coaches in the league and
the only ever coach in the NBA that is part Asian (Filipino). He's in
the mold of Heat President and Godfather Pat Riley, though he often gets
mistaken for a ball boy. He holds many press conferences, and he talks a
lot but he always says the same things: "Defense" "Trust," "Process"
What to Say About the Rest of the Heat Team: "Who is that guy?"
1. Dallas Player Primer
Dirk Nowitzki is a seven-foot German with blonde locks and googley eyes,
and Dallas's best player. With his height and shooting ability, he is
the most unstoppable offensive player in this series. But he has a
habit of shrinking to half his actual size in crunch time, although he
played great in crunch time so far this year. When he speaks, he has a weird drawl, though
it's exactly the combination of accents you should expect from a German living in
Texas. Check out that weird accent in the video below:
Rest of the Team: Though nobody approaches the value of Dirk, there are
several longtime NBA stars playing on the Mavericks like Jason Kidd (who
along with Mike Bibby of the Heat are the whitest black guys in the
history of the league), Shawn Marion, and Jason Terry, both of whom have
How to Insult Mavericks During Game: Did you hear that Maverick's shooting guard Jason Terry has an NBA Championship Trophy tattoed on his arm (even though they've never won one)? Well LeBron has a tattoo of Terry's face on his ass! Oh wait, that is his actual face! Burn.
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