How to Bed a Nerd at Florida Supercon
Every year thousand of horny, scantily clad denizens flock
to Miami to indulge in their preferred brand of debauchery. "But Cultist," you
say, "Exxxotica Expo already happened this year." To which we reply with a scoff at your naïveté.
We aren't talking about some porn convention. We're
talking Florida Supercon, which starts today. Behind all of the pop
culture fandom are nothing but fanboys and girls bursting at the seams at the possibility of a sexual dalliance. And we here at Cultist have all the moves
you need to land the nerd of your dreams.
Dressing up at conventions, or Cosplaying as it is known, is a great way for introverted nerds to get out of their shells and into something more sexual. Much like peacocks will attract mates with their colorful feathers, a good, geeky costume is a way to flaunt nerd credibility as well as toned bodies.
Our advice is to pick an age range for your potential hookup and Cosplay as a character from the era of that age range's puberty, playing off any latent pubescent sexual desires. Want to get with a 30 year old? Then don an Alf costume and pretend to eat cats.
Act Like an Outsider
The opposite of going down the Cosplaying route, this tactic calls for you to wear sharp business attire and a look of complete apathy. Acting like you are completely uninterested in the convention is a risky gambit. On the one hand, it will isolate you from a good number of the convention goers who will resent you for refusing to participate in their nerdy reindeer games.
On the other hand, there is a certain breed of alpha nerd who are tired of being hit on by their fellow convention goer. You will be viewed as a conquest, like the football star or cheerleader who decides to throw one to the marching band's oboe player just for variety's sake. Keep it aloof and you have it in the bag.
Indulge the Nerd's Creativity
Many of the convention goers aren't just fans of the geeky arts, they are also dreamers who hope to be the next Gene Roddenberry, Neil Gaiman, or Arthur Q. WriterOfEroticSciFiNovels. And all they really want is for their work to be viewed and appreciated. So flip through that underground comic, listen to that rap album composed of old Nintendo music, and admire those bongs with the Starfleet Academy insignia etched on it. After all, there's nothing that will get someone's blood flowing and hormones pumping quite like feeling like a genuine artiste.
While morally questionable, acting like you are one of a litany of d-level celebrities that swarm the convention every year will fast track you to many nerds' easy street. If someone says they're a big Battlestar Galactica fan, claim to have played a bit role on several episodes of the second season, then suggest you two sneak off to frak somewhere in private.
By the time they think to verify your surprisingly robust imdb profile, you will have slipped out of their hotel suite, having bid farewell, promising that you two can reconnect at the VIP section of San Diego Comic Con.
Prey on Childhood Insecurity
Perhaps the least noble way of bedding a nerd is also the simplest. Odds are at some point in the nerd's life you are pursuing past they were teased, maybe even cruelly for their geeky tendencies. If you are truly desperate, and comfortable being a terrible asshole, you can play the role of the schoolyard bully. Mock their costume.
If they think Tron: Legacy was great, tell them they are dumb for disrespecting Jeff Bridges. Worse comes to worse, you can point out physical flaws that may trigger deep seeded self loathing, which as we all know is a one way ticket to a stranger's hotel room. Enjoy your romp, you horrible bastard.
Florida SuperCon opens this Friday at noon and runs until Monday at 8 p.m. at Miami Airport Convention Center (711 NW 72nd Ave., Miami). Miami Single day tickets cost $25, except for Monday when tickets cost $15. A four-day full event pass costs $50 and a VIP all-access weekend pass costs $150. Visit floridasupercon.com.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.