How to Avoid Having a Horrible New Year's Eve
In case you didn't know, the entire rest of your year is determined by the success of your New Year's Eve. Whether or not you're going to get laid, make money, or travel over the next 365 days is the result of an awesome or crappy last day of this year. Some say that January 1st is the day of greatest influence (which would certainly explain the last decade of consistent hangovers). However, those people are totally incorrect. The day of greatest influence is actually December 31. Tonight is the only night that can offer you happiness or misery in the next 12 months. If you follow these rules, you just might not have a shitty New Year's Eve and will be thus saved from a monstrously lame 2011.
1. Make some friends, you lonely bastard. There is nothing more depression-inducing than spending a million dollars to get into a pulsating,
laser-filled douchefest, paying for drinks, and still end
up making out with a stranger at midnight. Also sad is paying a fortune to
go out for dinner only to endure the resentful glares of caterers who
are not washing their hands after they wipe. If you currently have no
friends, find someone with friends, watch them, and act like they do.
You just might get invited to a party that sucks a little less than a
long sweaty night at a club.
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2. Wear yellow underwear. It's not totally certain why this needs to be done, but it's probably safe to assume that it will assist you in getting some future sexing, you know, considering that what we're talking about here covers your genitals. This is either a Spanish or a Santeria thing, yellow being the color of Oshun who rules matters of love, money, and STDs. Good luck with that one. Wear them well.
3. Eat 12 grapes, but not all at once. Grapes are a sign of abundance, so when you're shoveling these into your mouth at midnight, remember, you're prepping yourself to have enough money next year to buy more grapes to feed the baby you are about to conceive in four hours because you were too lazy and drunk to put on a condom. BTW, that will happen right before you barf up champagney grapes.
4. Drinking is fun, but doesn't mix well with everything, for instance, fireworks. Sure the bubbly will make you think you're fluent in French, give your nostrils tingles, and unwarranted confidence, but no alcoholic beverage is a friend of the roman candle. The only things you should light after chugging a gallon of champagne are a joint, bowl, or sparklers. Remind your redneck cousins who drove down 100 lbs of class B explosives from the Carolinas for a colorful midnight display about this before they start blowing off parts.
5. Eating black-eyed peas is good for money. The Black Eyed Peas are also a very terrible band that makes music that sometimes, when played on the radio (because an ipod was left at home), will stay in your head tormenting you for days. You will hear "Mazel Tov!" over and over again (make sure not to play that "Got a Feeling" song at the party with your new friends, or you will return to your natural state of loneliness). It is a Southern tradition is to eat these peas, which are actually beans, sometime on NYE. They are pretty tasty, but will give you pig breath and the farts. Eat them wisely and bring Binanca and Beano.
6. Get someone to give you a mouth kiss. This is sort of one of those things that explains itself. If someone will kiss you on NYE, then you're not so gross that other people won't want to kiss you ever again. Kissing a hooker at 12 o'clock works too. It means you have money and can afford to pay for sex even if you're ugly. If your mouth is not on someone else's at midnight, NO ONE will sleep with you or touch you in an intimate manner for a minimum of one full calendar year. If you're having a herpes flare-up, you are fucked.
The thing is, no matter what you do to attempt to have a kickass NYE, you're not going to. You're just not. The pressure of a whole year is on your shoulders and you, our friend, are no Atlas. You will fail miserably.
The good news is, everyone else is also only pretending to have an amazing time. They're dying inside, too, setting themselves up for yet another lonely, confused year. Reference the first bit of advice: make some friends. At least then you'll have someone who will understand when you say, "I am still single because you wouldn't kiss me, and those dumb underwear I wore were basically beige."
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