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House of Horror: Cops, Jailbait Tweens, and a Few Scares

‚ÄčAmerica can be counted on for many things, and one of them is increasing the timeline of acceptability to honor a holiday. Which is why House of Horror officially opened its black gates last night when it was still September. It's all about the holiday spirit, folks. And the holiday spirit is expressed in currency and deep-fried everything. Have you ever had a deep-fried thing... deep-fried? Well, get your silly ass to Doral's answer to a question literally no one has asked!

House of Horror is a pretty fun time, let's get that out of the way. It's like a low-budget Santa's Enchanted Forest. And as you know, Santa's Enchanted Forest has the budget of a middle-class white teenage girl, so make of that what you will.

But what's it all about? Is it worth spending the $23 to chill in a mall parking lot while a dude in a ghoul costume seamlessly switches between doing the Dougie and scaring your daughter into celibacy? Yeah, dude, it is.


As an amusement park, you can find the typical carnival fare:

fattening food, scummy games, and gross negligence of mechanical

equipment. If you listen closely, you can actually hear the lawsuit

paperwork being typed by a paralegal as one of the many

spin-until-I-shit-myself rides breaks down and kills four innocent

junior high school kids doing what junior high school kids do. Playing

pogs, or whatever. Kids still do that, right?

That's the next thing you

notice -- all the little tweens engaging in PDA and dressing like women.

Seriously, there's so much jailbait at House of Horror, they could film

two or three seasons of To Catch a Predator in a single night.

Obviously,

that sort of crowd is to be expected, and that's part of what makes it

fun. The rides are another attraction. There's a house of mirrors, kid's

fun house, bumper cars, and a slide. The rest of the stuff is prone to a

21-gun salute. Most of the rides are of the spinning variety, which

seems to be the popular choice amongst teens and moldable pottery clay.

Finally,

the haunted house, the centerpiece of the experience. Once inside,

you're queued up again briefly and separated into groups. You're led

into a small, dark room where an ominous voice cuts through the

darkness.

"Welcome to the House of Horror!" - You're excited.

"Prepare to shit yourself out of abject fear!" - You're anxious and ready.

"Muahahaha! Dread awaits you!" - You're clutching to your friends for dear life.

"But

first, a few ground rules. Don't touch the actors. Don't run in the

house. If you're prone to epilepsy, please exit the house immediately.

Those with heart conditions..." - You're laughing your ass off.

Way

to fuck up the illusion. I know attorney-happy Americans need to be

warned of everything so the lowest common denominator among us doesn't

shit his pants in a haunted house and then sue the company for punitive damages, but come on.

Even

the most hardened war veterans will receive a startle or two as they

make their way through the strobe lights and darkness. Sure, most of the

scaring comes from an impromptu "OOGA BOOGA BOO" from someone who was

blending in with the scenery. But on occasion, you'll be scared by the

fact that one of those actors has a prison tat.

Speaking of prison,

another thing that ruins the illusion is how they have a cop in a

bright white shirt in every other room. And he's just sitting there with

his shiny-ass badge smirking at people as they pass by. At least give

the cop a machete or something. One guy exclaimed, "Oh shit, son, that

cop's the scariest thing in here! I got warrants!"

Fine, no one actually said that.

All

in all, House of Horror is a decent way to spend a lazy October evening. Go

there, ride a few rides, eat a few treats, subject yourself to some fear

in the haunted house, listen to some music by the stage, play some

carnival games, then go home and hit the Bowflex for three hours to burn

off all the elephant ears.

House of Horror is open until October 31 at Miami International Mall (1205 NW 107th Ave. Doral). Tickets cost $15 for kids and $23 for adults. Visit houseofhorrorpark.com.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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miles
Miami International Mall

1455 NW 107th Ave.
Doral, FL 33172

305-263-1413


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