Like Meatloaf's willingness to do just about anything for love (except "that"), women are also inclined to partake in dumbassery for the sake of fashion. Men aren't perfect either, don't get us wrong, but you can't compare wearing Ed Hardy to justifying the taxpayer money allocated to the fashion police by strapping on a pair of Cruggs. Yes, Crocs + Uggs. Someone, somewhere, decided it was a good idea to take two terrible things and put them together in the hopes that it'll be so awful it circles around and becomes acceptable. Cruggs must've been created in a lab somewhere by Dr. Moreau and an ex-Jersey Shore producer whose ideas were too extreme for MTV.
Weird fashion is expected on the runway or Lady Gaga's scrapbook. But everyday trends employed by girls and women everywhere shouldn't be as prevalent. And yet here we are. When a group of people decide it's acceptable to wear hoop earrings on fire, damn it, the New Times will be there to mock it. It's the American way. Without further ado, here are five reasons why crystal meth is illegal.
5. Lip tattoos
They're called "Violent Lips" because of all the shit someone must talk to defend the decision to apply them. A mere step up from the middle school chonga tradition of outlining your lips like some sort of politically-correct black face impersonation, these things are designed to be the bumper stickers of the human body. Have you ever been in traffic and looked at the car in front of you with a bumper sticker and thought, "that person is clearly insightful and interesting, I must meet them"? That's how anyone with Violent Lips should be viewed.
Fathers, if your daughter ever comes home with a set of temporary tattoo lips, it's about the same level of failure to her working the pole at BT's. The only upside is you can mock her when it starts wearing off and she's left with crusty lips for a few hours. After that, you can return to wondering where you failed as a parent.
4. High-waist jeans
This is a style we like to call "why is this?" A group of asshole hipsters lost a bet and part of their consequence involved bringing back something which should've stayed as dead as Mickey Rourke's career. They were an abomination when they were called "mom jeans", yet American Apparel is making a killing on selling these boner-killers to girls with Tumblr blogs and Paramore CDs. There's nothing -- absolutely nothing -- attractive about pants designed to accentuate a covered pelvis.
The amount of material saved if companies avoided making jeans like those could help a child sweatshop worker stave off carpal tunnel for at least one more depressing birthday in a soul-crushing third world nation. Think of the children.
3. Feathers in hair
It's a dangerous fashion trend. Why, you ask? Think about the people who originally started this fad. No, not your free-spirited aunt who runs a holistic medicine shop, it was the Native Americans. And what happened to them? That's right, they got federal tax breaks, carte blanche to start all the gambling houses they want, and some other not-at-all-genocidal stuff. Psych, it was pretty brutally genocidal. We're not saying the feathers in the hair were the reason for the vicious violencing gift white people gave them, we're just saying that's exactly the reason why.
There's a common phrase people use when someone has unkempt/messy hair, and that is calling it a "bird's nest." The mere fact that these people are literally putting bird feathers in their hair means they don't quite understand the meaning of "hey, don't do that shit, it's the inspiration for a whole category of yo momma jokes."
2. Crystals in hair
Whoever thought it was a good idea to accessorize hair with what looks like portions of Superman's Fortress of Solitude needs to be charged with larceny for stealing our faith in humanity. Ask a guy, "hey bro, can I glue some plastic faux diamonds on your hair?" After he says no and punches you in the face, sue him for punitive damages. Then use the money from the settlement to maintain your habit of buying crystals at $20 for two strands which you adhere to a surface we hope you wash at least every once in a while. We're assuming it's some crazy industrial-grade glue, but have you ever tried bathing with a band-aid?
It's begrudgingly cute on an 8-year-old with pigtails, freckles, and dimples. It's downright uncool on anyone else. Ladies, please limit your bedazzling to cell phones.
What did we say? What did we just fucking say?! You women are just fucking with us now, right? It's some prank which originated on Oprah, a Twilight book club, or some Lifetime Original movie starring Full House's Laurie Loughlin guys would never dare watch, right? The power of the vagina can do a lot of things, but we're beginning to doubt its ability to keep a dude at attention when he's staring at a glistening field of stupidity on Mons Pubis inches from the sacred sister mountains of Labia Majora and Labia Minora.
They say less is more, and in this case less sparkly shit in the pubic area is more conducive to being penetrated, ladies. Quit screwing around and don't mess with a good thing or guys will start collectively putting tiny Old Navy tech vests on their nut sacks just to compete.
Now, get off my lawn.
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