Most women enjoy being a slutty pirate, a slutty princess, or a slutty slut for Halloween. But what about the real sluts? Is it really fair for them to get off work at the boobie bar, in their work tassels, and then throw on a headpiece made of boobs of different shapes and sizes and claim they're a slutty Lady Gaga for Halloween? We don't think so. That's being a lazy slut. And no one likes a lazy slut. Not even Lady Gaga. We don't care if you were born that way.
So this October 31, instead of serving us up the goods that we can plainly see the other 364 days of the year, we suggest that all sluts show off other assets -- like their imagination. Whip up a costume that's creative and nostalgic for the '90s. And don't worry -- we won't use literary, political, or scientific references that will hurt the man who pulls the strings inside your head. Read on for ten Halloween costumes inspired by '90s TV.
10. 90210's Matching Prom Dresses
Have you ever wanted to gag a frenemy to death with a peach pit? Do you
have multiple personality disorder? Can your bitch stare turn even
Shannen Doherty to stone? Now you can cat fight
for Dylan McKay's affections with a Kelly Taylor/Brenda Walsh matching prom dress costume.
You and a friend need to don the same prom dress. One gal should be a blonde and the other a brunette. Both need lots of
pearls, a corsage, and long black gloves. Hard-core 90210 devotees will recognize the reference if you can find an ultra-chic evening gown
topped with a huge white satin bow that's the epitome of glamor. These gals rocked a style, which like most of the student body at West Beverly
High, made them look like they were prematurely entering their 30s. And what high-schooler doesn't want to look like she's 30? Or stylistically inspired by Kim Richards.
9. Smelly Cat From Friends
Be Phoebe Buffay's rank muse with a simple cat costume, a long blond wig, a guitar, and some hippie embellishments like a tie-dyed peasant
skirt, love beads, or pounds of marijuana. Extra points if you decide to
finally answer the ponderous question "What are they feeding you?"
by scarfing down and/or leaving remnants of garlic, sardines, onions,
moldy cheese, and toxic waste all over your costume. And hey, if
anyone gets all rashy or third-eye-y from rubbing up on the toxic waste
you're wearing, you can always claim "it's not your fault."
8. Ren & Stimpy's Powered Toast Man
Only two things are needed for this costume: nut-huggers and one smoking bod. Oh, and a head made of toast.
File this one under Costumes Under $10.
7. The Nurse From Animaniacs
Just dig up your nurse slut-o-ween costume from last year, become
two-dimensional, and hang out with a couple of talking dogs that
sometimes wear pants and sometimes wear shirts, but never a shirt and a
pair of pants at the same time.
6. Felicity After She Cut Her Hair Off
If you're a willowy, pretty man with short, curly hair, no need to buy
any kind of costume. Just walk around looking sad -- like you're about to
get fired. If you become bored of this, claim you're Maris
from Frasier.
5. A Girls Gone Wild Girl
Back in the olden days of 1997, before the invention of the DVR, there was this thing called a commercial. And
commercials sucked. Especially because they rudely tried to sell us crap
like George Foremen Grills, Crystal Pepsi, and pharmaceutical drugs
(hold up, they still do that, right?). Remember the Xanax-eyed, steel-drum
sweethearts who were the stars of the Girls Gone Wild video franchise?
The best way to honor these boobie-flashing current members of
Congress is to wear a flesh-colored unitard; a long, stringy blond wig; and fluorescent cardboard cutouts with the phrases "Too Hot to
Handle" and "Only $9.99!" glued to your chest. And as a bonus, the materials you'll need to create
this costume, much like the young women who volunteered to be on these
videos, are really, really cheap.
4. Blossom's Hat
This should be a group effort of about five or so individuals. One
person creates a costume that is a hat with a brim that's popped up in
the front. The other four should dress up as a flower -- a sunflower,
pink rose, daisy, and carnation are all highly suggested. Then, when
someone asks you what you are for Halloween, all four flowers stand in
front of the hat and yell, "Whoa!" in unison. All participants must also
wear suspenders.
3. A Fly Girl
from In Living Color
Materials needed: Leggings with Afro-centric patterns, thigh-high vinyl
boots, crushed-velvet hot pants that cover your bellybutton, and a
booty straight out of the Bronx.
2. Kathie Lee Gifford Child Slave Driver
Sure, we all know crazy Kathie Lee on the Today Show, but we're talking crazy, '90s, sweatshop, Regis and Kathie Lee Kathie
Lee. And in order to differentiate the two Kathies, this costume needs
to be a group effort. It's a perfect costume for a busy mom
taking her kids out for trick-or-treating. All Mom needs is a power
suit, a red wig, and a riding crop. All her little tykes need are
thread, sewing needles, and a look of utter despondence.
Then Mommy can walk to each house and brag about the fine,
handcrafted details on her suit made by her children's small and
delicate Honduran fingers.
1. Ally McBeal's Ooga Chaca Baby
There are only two things needed for this adorably creepy metaphorical biological clock: a pair of adult diapers and mad-sexy dance moves. Now do your thing.
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