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Girls Gone Wild Girl and Ten Other Halloween Costumes Inspired by '90s TV

Most women enjoy being a slutty pirate, a slutty princess, or a slutty slut for Halloween. But what about the real sluts? Is it really fair for them to get off work at the boobie bar, in their work tassels, and then throw on a headpiece made of boobs of different shapes and sizes and claim they're a slutty Lady Gaga for Halloween? We don't think so. That's being a lazy slut. And no one likes a lazy slut. Not even Lady Gaga. We don't care if you were born that way.

So this October 31, instead of serving us up the goods that we can plainly see the other 364 days of the year, we suggest that all sluts show off other assets -- like their imagination. Whip up a costume that's creative and nostalgic for the '90s. And don't worry -- we won't use literary, political, or scientific references that will hurt the man who pulls the strings inside your head. Read on for ten Halloween costumes inspired by '90s TV.


10. 90210's Matching Prom Dresses
Have you ever wanted to gag a frenemy to death with a peach pit? Do you

have multiple personality disorder? Can your bitch stare turn even

Shannen Doherty to stone? Now you can cat fight

for Dylan McKay's affections with a Kelly Taylor/Brenda Walsh matching prom dress costume.

You and a friend need to don the same prom dress. One gal should be a blonde and the other a brunette. Both need lots of

pearls, a corsage, and long black gloves. Hard-core 90210 devotees will recognize the reference if you can find an ultra-chic evening gown

topped with a huge white satin bow that's the epitome of glamor. These gals rocked a style, which like most of the student body at West Beverly

High, made them look like they were prematurely entering their 30s. And what high-schooler doesn't want to look like she's 30? Or stylistically inspired by Kim Richards.




9. Smelly Cat From Friends
Be Phoebe Buffay's rank muse with a simple cat costume, a long blond wig, a guitar, and some hippie embellishments like a tie-dyed peasant

skirt, love beads, or pounds of marijuana. Extra points if you decide to

finally answer the ponderous question "What are they feeding you?"

by scarfing down and/or leaving remnants of garlic, sardines, onions,

moldy cheese, and toxic waste all over your costume. And hey, if

anyone gets all rashy or third-eye-y from rubbing up on the toxic waste

you're wearing, you can always claim "it's not your fault."



8. Ren & Stimpy's Powered Toast Man
Only two things are needed for this costume: nut-huggers and one smoking bod. Oh, and a head made of toast.

File this one under Costumes Under $10.



7. The Nurse From Animaniacs
Just dig up your nurse slut-o-ween costume from last year, become

two-dimensional, and hang out with a couple of talking dogs that

sometimes wear pants and sometimes wear shirts, but never a shirt and a

pair of pants at the same time.





6. Felicity After She Cut Her Hair Off
If you're a willowy, pretty man with short, curly hair, no need to buy

any kind of costume. Just walk around looking sad -- like you're about to

get fired. If you become bored of this, claim you're Maris

from Frasier.

 

5. A Girls Gone Wild Girl


Back in the olden days of 1997, before the invention of the DVR, there was this thing called a commercial. And

commercials sucked. Especially because they rudely tried to sell us crap

like George Foremen Grills, Crystal Pepsi, and pharmaceutical drugs

(hold up, they still do that, right?). Remember the Xanax-eyed, steel-drum

sweethearts who were the stars of the Girls Gone Wild video franchise?

The best way to honor these boobie-flashing current members of

Congress is to wear a flesh-colored unitard; a long, stringy blond wig; and fluorescent cardboard cutouts with the phrases "Too Hot to

Handle" and "Only $9.99!" glued to your chest. And as a bonus, the materials you'll need to create

this costume, much like the young women who volunteered to be on these

videos, are really, really cheap.





4. Blossom's Hat


This should be a group effort of about five or so individuals. One

person creates a costume that is a hat with a brim that's popped up in

the front. The other four should dress up as a flower -- a sunflower,

pink rose, daisy, and carnation are all highly suggested. Then, when

someone asks you what you are for Halloween, all four flowers stand in

front of the hat and yell, "Whoa!" in unison. All participants must also

wear suspenders.





3. A Fly Girl

from In Living Color
Materials needed: Leggings with Afro-centric patterns, thigh-high vinyl

boots, crushed-velvet hot pants that cover your bellybutton, and a

booty straight out of the Bronx.




2. Kathie Lee Gifford Child Slave Driver 

Sure, we all know crazy Kathie Lee on the Today Show, but we're talking crazy, '90s, sweatshop, Regis and Kathie Lee Kathie

Lee. And in order to differentiate the two Kathies, this costume needs

to be a group effort. It's a perfect costume for a busy mom

taking her kids out for trick-or-treating. All Mom needs is a power

suit, a red wig, and a riding crop. All her little tykes need are

thread, sewing needles, and a look of utter despondence.

Then Mommy can walk to each house and brag about the fine,

handcrafted details on her suit made by her children's small and

delicate Honduran fingers.




1. Ally McBeal's Ooga Chaca Baby
There are only two things needed for this adorably creepy metaphorical biological clock: a pair of adult diapers and mad-sexy dance moves. Now do your thing.



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