Florida Passed on Medical Marijuana: Here's How to Get Stoned Without Weed

Florida Passed on Medical Marijuana: Here's How to Get Stoned Without Weed

After the recent midterm elections there are now five states where marijuana is completely legal. Almost half the country has medicalized or decriminalized pot. Colorado made so much tax revenue from selling legal bud that they are giving a rebate to citizens so even non-smokers have a pocketful of green. Foolishly, Florida decided to pass instead of puff, missing its spot in the legislative rotation. You "pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side," and Florida leans to the right (wing).

Anything we eat, drink, inhale, or gently slide into our people holes alters us. Over time, humans have kept track of some interesting ones. From the Xanax you crush into your espresso to the protein powder you dust over icing dubiously called "stuf." Drugs are suffering from identity crisis, brand confusion, and bad PR. Like fucking curse words, they didn't do shit wrong but goddamn exist.

See also: Medical Marijuana in Florida: What Amendment 2 Means to You

What is a drug? It's in the lighting. Florescent lights overhead tell us that drugs are safe medicine. Yet illumination from flashing club LEDs or a vintage lava lamp cast drugs in a dangerous shadow. Those aren't trusted pharmaceuticals, they're dangerous poisons that can scar you forever! Like little plastic bags of religion, or bottles of your parents. Mischaracterized recreational drugs like cannabis and mushrooms are not portals to another world, they are options to experience different perspectives of your world (also called 'the world').

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The misdirection is in the wording. Drunks are merely "under the influence" of alcohol. "Oh, he didn't mean to assault that baby deer, he was influenced. He's a good kid!" Being high or hallucinating is called an "altered state" implying a permanence that alcohol's toxic inebriation sleeps off. Altered? Can I ever return? It's called a "trip" because you go somewhere and then come back. You could leave your house anytime and have a profound drug-free experience. Could you be changed into somebody else? Who will you be? Gloria Estefan? Big fan!

So do you mari-want-to? If you don't know where to start, I guarantee someone you know knows someone. Think of people you know that don't get upset often, are passionate about some form of art, or have off-hours jobs. Stop reading and start texting.

But what for the Floridian who wants a relaxing high without breaking the sacred, nonsensical laws of our land? Not yet ready to "roll a bowler,", "twist up a bong," or simply "Flurb!"? Here are some gate-construction supplies to start your gateway to the gateway drug.


This ancient practice of calming the mind and body through breathing and visualization is almost drugs. It's just not popular in America because it doesn't come in pill form (except a chill pill, bro). After meditating users feel calm and euphoric, but it helps to learn good technique lest you strain your back and ego.

Pros - free, mystical, overdose leads to enlightenment

Cons - takes practice, difficult to find dosage, being the person at parties who won't shut up about it

Isolation Tank

This is so not drugs... THAT IT'S DRUGS. The tank is an environment created to neutralize your major senses. You effortlessly float in saltwater at your body's temperature, pitch black, silent, and try to remain calm as your brain freaks out and starts wondering "What the! Why is it so quiet? That doesn't happen... not since the womb, and I could always hear Mom watching sitcoms." Since so much nothing is happening, your brain decides to make extra sure by TRIPPING BALLS, kinda.

Pros - DIY hallucinating comes from within, great exfoliation

Cons - costly, initially terrifying, will not mute your sense of self-loathing


Not the stationary bikes that alternate between grueling pain and butt-looking, I mean good old fashioned twirling. Most people stop doing this drug around age 6 but it's as pure as ever. Pick a direction and rotate, are you a clockwise classic or a counterclockwise rebel?

Pros - Affordable, mildly athletic, look up and smile to be filmed for an allergy commercial

Cons - Corners, tolerance leads to searching for a stronger high: office chairs, carnival rides, and rock bottom - astronaut training

Prescription Drugs

The responsible, law-abiding way to get faaaaaaaded. I know this list is supposed to be drug-free, but that's only "bad" drugs you get from people wearing shorts. After a round of commonly-prescribed doctor's orders, you might find cocaine lacks the delicate bouquet of a freshly-crushed line of adderall.

Pros - legal, socially acceptable, super easy to swallow

Cons - addictive, cries for help, super easy to die

(Bonus Pro - Can use empty pill bottles for weed)

Disclaimer: Illegal drugs should not be done (without proper research and preparation, kids). Some have very serious effects (seriously awesome) that can be very harmful (to suckness).

Daniel Reskin abides by all laws deemed just. Follow his future arrests @DanielReskin or DanielReskin.com.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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