Five Ways to Liberalize Prayer in Public Schools

​Last Friday Dark Lord Gov. Rick Scott signed a "school prayer law" that will allow students to recite "inspirational messages" (whatever that means) at public school events.

The law will go into effect July 1 and is for kids only -- no adults can suggest the delivery of these inspirational messages, and no school can officially sanction them.

The ACLU and the Anti-Defamation League are already announcing an impending flood of lawsuits on any school district that adopts the law, claiming it's a gateway to forced school prayer. Yes, it's anti-American to endorse Christianity over other religions. And you radical liberals think that's what this law is all about, don't you?

Well, think again. A provision allowing something as vague as "inspirational messages" makes room for some of the best religious trolling imaginable. So, if you like to rile things up, spend your summer spreading these unexpected gems to your little ones.

5. Deep Thoughts
Sure, there are plenty of "inspirational messages" in the Bible. But our favorite enlightening quotes have always come from Jack Handey. Just imagine it: While the other kids kneel with clasped hands, your little comedy disciple stands and recites gems like "The next time you're in a war, instead of grenades, throw one of those baby pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone stop and think about how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." We predict a conversion rate of at least 80 percent.

4. Inspiration-al Messages
"Inspiration" is a pretty vague term, when you think about it. It can refer to a feeling of religious faith, sure, but also the drive to create art, the intake of air into your lungs, and also Inspiration, the 2004 album by famous American Idol reject William Hung. And this law appears to celebrate every definition of the word. Hear that, kids? It's now totally appropriate to break into your best William Hung-esque rendition of "She Bangs" during school hours. As long as it's an inspired imitation, anyway.

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