Five Ways to Liberalize Prayer in Public Schools

​Last Friday Dark Lord Gov. Rick Scott signed a "school prayer law" that will allow students to recite "inspirational messages" (whatever that means) at public school events.

The law will go into effect July 1 and is for kids only -- no adults can suggest the delivery of these inspirational messages, and no school can officially sanction them.

The ACLU and the Anti-Defamation League are already announcing an impending flood of lawsuits on any school district that adopts the law, claiming it's a gateway to forced school prayer. Yes, it's anti-American to endorse Christianity over other religions. And you radical liberals think that's what this law is all about, don't you?

Well, think again. A provision allowing something as vague as "inspirational messages" makes room for some of the best religious trolling imaginable. So, if you like to rile things up, spend your summer spreading these unexpected gems to your little ones.

5. Deep Thoughts
Sure, there are plenty of "inspirational messages" in the Bible. But our favorite enlightening quotes have always come from Jack Handey. Just imagine it: While the other kids kneel with clasped hands, your little comedy disciple stands and recites gems like "The next time you're in a war, instead of grenades, throw one of those baby pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone stop and think about how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." We predict a conversion rate of at least 80 percent.

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4. Inspiration-al Messages
"Inspiration" is a pretty vague term, when you think about it. It can refer to a feeling of religious faith, sure, but also the drive to create art, the intake of air into your lungs, and also Inspiration, the 2004 album by famous American Idol reject William Hung. And this law appears to celebrate every definition of the word. Hear that, kids? It's now totally appropriate to break into your best William Hung-esque rendition of "She Bangs" during school hours. As long as it's an inspired imitation, anyway.

 

Five Ways to Liberalize Prayer in Public Schools

3. Become a Pastafarian
Convince your child of the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and have them spend every Friday, the Pastafarians' religious holiday, bursting out incoherent pirate jargon as inspirational messages.

See, Pastafarians (believers in the ;real religion of Pastafarianism, or the Church of the FSM), believe pirates were peaceful explorers cast out by Christianity. That'll go over well with Sen. Gary Siplin, a Democrat supporter of the prayer in schools law who signs his social media posts "Praise God."

If your kids are old enough to be in on the FSM joke, they'll surely appreciate the humor in interrupting classes to spew lines from Pirates of the Caribbean. And if they're young enough, convincing them that there's an actual Flying Spaghetti Monster can only enhance their childhoods. That's, like, a million times cooler than Barney. In fact, we're kind of surprised the FSM doesn't have his own Saturday morning cartoon show yet.

Five Ways to Liberalize Prayer in Public Schools
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2. Do the Dawkins
Atheists in America have it tough, especially when their state approves laws that barely hide its religious agenda. This fall, your mini non-believer can take the power back by delivering inspirational messages like, "I have hope in the future because I know in my heart that one day fundamentalism will not reign rampant!"

Or, if their vocab skills are underdeveloped, maybe they'll cry out something like, "Religious nuts will not prevail!" Either way, the tiny faithless can have faith in these little fortunes too controversial for cookies.

Though the law works to protect students who gather for group prayer, or "inspiration," your little Christopher Hitchens can use these outbursts to find like-minded children to play with, too. See? School prayer provisions are not so bad, after all.

Five Ways to Liberalize Prayer in Public Schools

1. Praise Allah at the football game
Tebow, who?

Though this law can be (mis)interpreted by fanatics and politicians to benefit one faith over another, it can also be harnessed by their opponents to safeguard the freedom of religion America so scathingly craves. There's no rule that says it's only okay to be Christian in public. In fact, there is now a rule that says it's OK to be any religion in public (schools).

So if you're a Muslim, throw caution to the wind and bow in the direction of Mecca at halftime -- proudly and without shame, knowing that Rick Scott has your back.

Who would have thought that in the wake of the xenophobic tragedy that was Trayvon Martin's murder, a right-wing law would provide for expressions of diversity?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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