Five Video Games That Are Definitely Not Making You Smarter

Is Angry Brides making you smarter? (Hint: no.)
Is Angry Brides making you smarter? (Hint: no.)

Like a lot of kids, I nursed a healthy addiction to video games in prep school, trafficking kilos of cocaine across state lines on a graphing calculator from a desk in advanced Algebra. And according to gamer evangelists like James Paul Gee, this actually made me smarter -- it helped me create more neural pathways.

While video game research is still embryonic, there are smart guys with expensive degrees all over the country looking at graphs and MRI scans, concluding that video games enhance creative problem solving and trigger endorphins.

I'm no expert, but this sounds fishy. Sure, it might be true of some games. But the pixelated world is still a peculiar place, and there's no way all of it is contributing to the mental faculties of our impressionable youths. If you're looking for video game fun without all that pesky learning, check out these games.

Angry Brides (2012)

Social gaming has resulted in massive IPOs, an Oregon Trail rehash I can

appreciate, and ridiculous smartphone notifications that wake me before

my morning alarm. But Indian dating site Shaadi crossed several caste

lines when it released Angry Brides this past weekend, which encourages users to bludgeon their husbands with frying pans, high heels, and

kitchen knives before becoming victims of a dowry related crime.

The game can be played on Facebook,

where Shaadi cites horrifying dowry crime statistics beneath it in the

refined way upright non-profits do. Still, these do little to mask the

game's mixed message, and as polemic as the issue is in India, an eye for

an eye went out of style long ago.

London Urinal Game (2011)

This is perhaps the only time in my life where I'll get to use the term "loo" and kind of get away with it. While I can multitask to the point

where I text while relieving myself, tipsy Londoners with differing

degrees of pee-shyness get to face off in Captive Media's ski duel of

old Nokia brick phone proportions on dual-core devices.

The direction and speed of the user's virtual skiing abilities

correlate directly to the accuracy of their urine, which will hopefully

lessen the workload for janitors.

Drawbacks? High-fives with unwashed hands.

JRA Cinema Keiba's Japan World Cup (2010)

The prefix "hyper" is too apt for describing many facets of

Japanese pop culture, including arcade gambling, J-pop, and karaoke

antics that should never leave the shower. Japan World Cup is

cloud-based game that lends itself to hyper-extended limbs and lots of

osakini, where the Kentucky Derby meets Takashi Murakami during races

that feature acrobatic jockeys perched on zebras, some sort of horseback

tandem cycling equivalent, a tap-dancing stallion, a head banging

giraffe and creatures that belong to a lost Terra Nova plot line. A part of me wants to blame this on General Macarthur.

Muscle March (2010)

Released on the WiiWare platform, Muscle March is about a 'roid-raging

posse hunting down football players who seem to have finagled their

protein powder stash. Its plot is as incomprehensible as the phrases uttered by that cousin of yours who took creatine supplements before burning

the baby fat, claiming he's "swole" when he actually has more in common

with a balloon animal.

Controlling a male avatar as oiled up as a Denny's skillet reaches

pretty high levels of homoeroticism, making it the perfect Miami video

game - or at least until I cash in on my idea of club promoters on

strike, MMORPG style.

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties (1994)

Perhaps the only game on the 3DO platform retaining any sort of

relevance is Plumbers Don't Wear Ties - not because it implies any

prejudice against piping specialists, but because, well, it focuses on

their, ahem, pipe laying abilities. Plumbers is mid-90s Skinemax fare made up

entirely of still images and breathy telenovela voiceovers, and plays

like a matryoshka doll of DVD menus. 

Given the gratuitous male nudity, an alternate gay male ending and only

one softcore FMV sequence - a disappointment for 90s gaming nerds who

were well acquainted with the 3DO's video playback capabilities - the

game left many sketchy 1-900 numbers on phone bills in its wake.

And since there may never be a more appropriate time to say this, remember: a synecdoche for plumber is asscrack.

--Ahmed Mori

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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