Five Valentine's Day Gifts to Give That Jerk Who Broke Your Heart
It's Valentine's Day. Who cares? Sure, we guess a lot of sappy couples who have been hoodwinked by corporate America must give a fuck, but what about those of us who have been recently dumped, cheated on, trifled with, and otherwise shit upon? Exactly. We're not really in the mood for a bunch of heart shaped balloons, stuffed animals that play "Endless Love" when you squeeze their snout, or any other reminders of how alone and homicidal we feel at the moment.
1. Gift certificate for Plastic Surgeon or Spa
We know what you're thinking: Why would I do that? That's expensive and she/he doesn't deserve it! Well, honey, this is the way to deliver an insult in disguise. Sure, at first glance they'll be impressed, but the more they think about it, the more they'll wonder what's wrong with them. Works best if you can take all doubt out of the equation by having the merchant specify on the gift certificate" "Facial for your acne and blackhead-ridden face," or "rhinoplasty for that hideous schnoz."
Yes, same effect as gift #. You're catching on. Nothing hurts more than being told you're fat.
You remember when you were a teenager and you'd buy those cheap "silver" rings that would turn your finger green? Well, why not apply that experience to choosing the perfect gift for your skanky ex? Be sure to tell them how much you had to save up and that you were surprised you were able to find it in platinum. Buy one that has "gems" in it too, so you're shallow, materialistic ex can't wait to put it on. We say fuck the ring--go with a necklace. Nothing repels potential suitors like a literal ring around the collar.
This should be reserved for the most degenerate exes. And of course, your lovely gift will have to remain anonymous--we don't want anyone thinking we've lost it. Take a lovely red & pink gift bag (perfect for Valentine's Day) and put about 1 3/4 pounds of dog (or your own) shit at the bottom. Then layer an entire box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda and about ten sheets of colorful tissue paper on top of the poop. Leave at their front door a half hour before they get home from work. The weight of the gift will lead your ex to dig in to grab the hefty "present" thereby shoving their hands into the crap. Do you know how difficult (not to mention unpleasant) it is to get feces out of your fingernails? Our tip: Borrow your little sister's binoculars and park a block away. Popcorn optional.
The truth is that your ex is a pathetic lowlife who doesn't realize how awesome you are. Get dressed to the nines, rent an Italian sports car, hire a gorgeous escort for a few hours, and hit the town. Of course, if you happen to hit any of the places your ex frequents and he or she sees you all dolled up with someone hot, that's just gravy. Sometimes you have to fight evil with evil.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.