Five Tricks to Play on Halloween

Because of the craptastic economy, people will give out shitty candy tonight. Instead of yummy fun-size Snickers, Butterfingers, or M&M's, folks are giving out shares to fledgling companies on NASDAQ. That's bullshit -- even pennies or hard candies are better bag-fillers. Lucky for you, as it was laid down centuries ago, you're given the option to receive a trick instead of a treat.

When requesting a trick, you're entering into a contract that states that a trick must be performed in lieu of sweets. Is it a trick performed by the person seeking candy or by the person who answered the door? No clue. But since we phoned in this post in between watching ridiculous clips of Bollywood action films, we're going to go ahead and half-ass this thing to the point where we're interchangeably choosing between the trickee and the trickster. In no particular order (again, this took six minutes), here are five tricks to play on Halloween.

5. The Fake Trick or Treater
In text message speak, the reaction to this prank can be expressed as follows:

lol :-D
lol :-)
hehe :-D
... :-)
... :-|
... :-(
wtf D:

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The

awkward creepiness that ensues is like watching any British sitcom, or

watching anyone do an impression of any character on the American

version of The Office.

4. The Reverse Trick or Treat

First, look at this image. We'll wait.

For

the assholes among you who didn't just view the image, we'll explain.

The costume is a door with a sign which asks people to knock. Once

knocked on, the door opens to reveal a few people dressed as old

grandmothers and they give the original people candy. It's the most

ironic hipster Halloween costume of all time.

The only costume

which comes close on the hipster scale would be a costume of a regular

person pretending to be a hipster pretending to be dressed as a regular

person. You can Inception the hell out of that idea and get as deep as you want.

3. Fake a Murder

Some dude in Kentucky faked his own murder

as a prank to one of his employees. He set up an elaborate crime scene,

created a pool of blood, and asked his employee to visit him. When the

employee arrived and found him dead, for some unknown reason we can only

attribute to the irrationality of women, she ran away and called the

police presumably while crying hysterically in the fetal position

because now she has to find a new job in this economy.

He tried calling

her to let her know it was just a prank, but once again due to female

irrationality she didn't pick up a phone call coming from the phone of

someone she just saw murdered in cold blood. Needless to say, the cops

arrived on scene and arrested the man for creating a false alarm.

Women can be assholes sometimes, I hope he fired her for her clear incompetence.

2. Actually Murder Someone, Play Off As Prank*

Wouldn't

that be hilarious?! Think about it, you snuff out whoever it is you've

been fantasizing about for months now. Maybe your boss? Maybe your

spouse? Maybe just any human being because you've had this dark urge

inside of you ever since that first time you had a sex dream where you

and Dexter fornicated in one of his kill rooms?

At any rate, Halloween

seems like the perfect time to do it. People decorate their houses with

dismembered bodies, and some people put those fake limbs sticking out of

the trunk of their cars. Well, you can kill someone and drag their

corpse in broad daylight and just dump that crap into your trunk. Don't

worry about cleanup. Everyone will see you and be like "haha, wow, such

an elaborate decoration he's putting together!"

1. Perform the Fake Trick or Treater, Later Perform Again With Real Person

It's

simple, really. Prank someone with the fake trick or treater prank,

then later in the night, go back and try it again, only this time there's

a real person in the costume. When they think "not this again" and

start closing the door, gesticulate quickly and watch them flip the fuck

out. This is called nightmare fuel.

*Don't do this.

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