Five Tricks to Play on Halloween
Because of the craptastic economy, people will give out shitty candy tonight. Instead of yummy fun-size Snickers, Butterfingers, or M&M's, folks are giving out shares to fledgling companies on NASDAQ. That's bullshit -- even pennies or hard candies are better bag-fillers. Lucky for you, as it was laid down centuries ago, you're given the option to receive a trick instead of a treat.
When requesting a trick, you're entering into a contract that states that a trick must be performed in lieu of sweets. Is it a trick performed by the person seeking candy or by the person who answered the door? No clue. But since we phoned in this post in between watching ridiculous clips of Bollywood action films, we're going to go ahead and half-ass this thing to the point where we're interchangeably choosing between the trickee and the trickster. In no particular order (again, this took six minutes), here are five tricks to play on Halloween.
5. The Fake Trick or Treater
In text message speak, the reaction to this prank can be expressed as follows:
Sarge: The Chanukah Chutzpah Tour... "Kiss My Mezuzah"
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 8:00pm
Fundarte Presents: Chiflón By Chile's Silencio Blanco Theatre Company
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 8:30pm
JTF's Friday Night Live
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 9:00pm
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 10:00pm
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awkward creepiness that ensues is like watching any British sitcom, or
watching anyone do an impression of any character on the American
version of The Office.
4. The Reverse Trick or Treat
First, look at this image. We'll wait.
the assholes among you who didn't just view the image, we'll explain.
The costume is a door with a sign which asks people to knock. Once
knocked on, the door opens to reveal a few people dressed as old
grandmothers and they give the original people candy. It's the most
ironic hipster Halloween costume of all time.
The only costume
which comes close on the hipster scale would be a costume of a regular
person pretending to be a hipster pretending to be dressed as a regular
person. You can Inception the hell out of that idea and get as deep as you want.
3. Fake a Murder
Some dude in Kentucky faked his own murder
as a prank to one of his employees. He set up an elaborate crime scene,
created a pool of blood, and asked his employee to visit him. When the
employee arrived and found him dead, for some unknown reason we can only
attribute to the irrationality of women, she ran away and called the
police presumably while crying hysterically in the fetal position
because now she has to find a new job in this economy.
He tried calling
her to let her know it was just a prank, but once again due to female
irrationality she didn't pick up a phone call coming from the phone of
someone she just saw murdered in cold blood. Needless to say, the cops
arrived on scene and arrested the man for creating a false alarm.
Women can be assholes sometimes, I hope he fired her for her clear incompetence.
2. Actually Murder Someone, Play Off As Prank*
that be hilarious?! Think about it, you snuff out whoever it is you've
been fantasizing about for months now. Maybe your boss? Maybe your
spouse? Maybe just any human being because you've had this dark urge
inside of you ever since that first time you had a sex dream where you
and Dexter fornicated in one of his kill rooms?
At any rate, Halloween
seems like the perfect time to do it. People decorate their houses with
dismembered bodies, and some people put those fake limbs sticking out of
the trunk of their cars. Well, you can kill someone and drag their
corpse in broad daylight and just dump that crap into your trunk. Don't
worry about cleanup. Everyone will see you and be like "haha, wow, such
an elaborate decoration he's putting together!"
1. Perform the Fake Trick or Treater, Later Perform Again With Real Person
simple, really. Prank someone with the fake trick or treater prank,
then later in the night, go back and try it again, only this time there's
a real person in the costume. When they think "not this again" and
start closing the door, gesticulate quickly and watch them flip the fuck
out. This is called nightmare fuel.
*Don't do this.
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