The New Year is upon us, once again!
This one is noteworthy because it is the last on the Mayan calendar. What does that mean? Nothing really. Remember in 1999 when the media convinced us that Y2K would end life for us as we know it? Well, the Mayans did the same by cutting off their calendar on December 21, 2012 -- except they did it, like, seven thousand years ago. They're probably chuckling from their graves as we scatter to prepare for the end of days. Funny, guys. Real funny.
After the ball drops this Saturday night, and we've entered into what could doubtfully be the last year of modern civilization, what are you going to do with yourselves? Drink, of course, but we'd like to offer a few other suggestions this NYE in the hopes of enhancing your late night experience.
A night swim on South Beach
That's right. Why not cleanse yourself in the second biggest bathtub the world's got to offer? The Atlantic Ocean is just miles from your front door and it's ready to take your body under -- uh, we mean, take your body and... renew it! Night swimming is better done while slightly intoxicated, but not too wasted. You should have some wits about you as you dodge the sharks that meander their way a bit too close to shore.
Good luck rituals
You're gonna have to get your 12 grapes to munch on, black eyed peas all cooked and ready to be devoured, and your empty suitcase out to run with around your house. The latter ensures traveling; the former, good luck and prosperity. Broke folks should wear yellow undies, and the lovelorn, red drawers. The preparation takes place before the clock strikes twelve, but the activities can take place just after. But only just after.
Stuff face at Yambo or 11th Street Diner
Both of these classic Miami joints will be open on NYE night and serving chow. Yambo, you can hit up on your way home to Kendall, and the 11th Street Diner will fill you up after you're all done at Twist. Hell, you could go to both if you're hungry enough after that post-midnight swim!
Write your New Year's resolutions and then break them before dawn
New Year's resolutions are the biggest load of crap. If you didn't do it last year, you're not doing it this year just because you've got a new kitten calendar on the wall. Writing out resolutions sounds like a good idea, because maybe you can stop eating like a pig, and you will go to the gym, and you'll start doing yoga, and you'll call your mom more, and you'll stop sleeping around -- whatever, but it's not going to happen just because it's 2012. Make a resolution and break it before dawn, because you only live once and resolutions are stupid.
We know, this is, like, so far out there. But it's possible that you might want to catch some zzz's before New Year's Day. You'll be the only one who actually rested. There's something civilized about looking like a human as opposed to a bloated keg monster on January 1. Just keep in mind that the bloated keg monsters had a lot more fun stuffing their face with fried stuffs from Yambo, removing their red undies to skinny dip in the ocean, and sleeping with that ex they promised they'd never sleep with again, than you did.
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Either way, Happy New Year!
[Ed. note: We are, obviously, joking here. While we wish you the best of luck with any magical colored underpants you might be wearing this weekend, please do not actually endanger your life by swimming at night. Or by eating at the 11th St Diner, for that matter.]