We know what you're thinking: "Goddammit, I hate Valentine's Day." We know, we know. We hate it too. It's mere commercialized mockery of love and affection -- baloney with a side of bullshit.
We'll bet tons of you readers out there won't have anyone to snuggle with on the night of Feb. 14. (Assuming, of course, that you're all miserable jerks like we are.) And yeah, that sucks. But y'know what'll make it worse? Surrounding yourself with lovey-dovey assholes who've bought into all the chocolates-and-roses nonsense.
But have no fear, fellow anti-Valentiners. We at Cultist have compiled a foolproof list of things you should avoid doing on Valentine's Day. If you avoid them all, going to sleep alone that night will be just like any other night. And if you're still pissed that you're missing out on sexy time, try to put off dialing that booty call until the 15th. It's far less cliche.
5. Take a walk along the path you used to with your ex.
What are you, a masochist? It's bad enough you have to endure the painstaking realization that your sorry ass is alone this year -- don't make it worse by accidentally on purpose stumbling upon that old walk you guys used to take. Do yourself a favor and opt for the alternate route.
4. Go out for dinner.
This is one night throwing that frozen pizza in the oven and popping in a favorite, non-romantic comedy is okay. It's one hundred percent acceptable, folks. Candlelit V-Day dinners are overrated, anyway. To seal out every possible ounce of romanticism from the scenario, turn your phone and computer off -- staying off the grid while you enjoy your flick will be a fine method to make you forget you're the only one of your friends not getting laid tonight.
3. End up in the candy aisle at Publix.
We know you love sweets. But this pathetic excuse for a holiday should not convince you to give in to the mystery ingredients in chalky "be mine" candy hearts. Gross. While everyone else is expanding their hips with chocolate-covered strawberries and other fat-inducing sweet treats, choose the wiser option and go for, say, baby carrots and hummus.
2. Go through your phone contacts.
This is a biggie. If you want a worry-free V-Day, avoid skimming through your phone contacts. Our phone's address book is like a graveyard of friends, old relatives, and most importantly, old flames. It's also a portal to making yourself look like a desperate asshole. Screw that guy who hit it and quit it last November. And forget the chick who left you with the two chihuahuas. Bullshit memories are just that: bullshit. You're single now. Get used to it.
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1. Speak to someone who is happy in their relationship.
This is priority number one. People, if you want a successfully single Vee-Day-Schmee-Day (as we like to call it), don't talk, text, tweet, Facebook chat, or otherwise interact with anyone in love. We don't care if it's your own mother -- you're just gonna want to bring them down, and they won't understand your snarky humor that day anyway. So why bother? If you must be social, stick with your band of single brothers and sisters. Hit that red "ignore" button for everyone else until February 15.