Want to know which demographic most enjoys gift-wrapping toenail clippings in moist towelettes? There's probably scientists right now securing grant money for just such a useless study. And consider this study reported by the New York Times in which two sociologists gave us a groundbreaking conclusion: Women are more likely to "sext" than men.
If you're not familiar with what a sext is, it's a technologically advanced method of blue balling someone from anywhere on the planet. They contain provocative insinuations of potential sexual services rendered and in some cases photographic evidence of the objects to be used in said encounters. I tested this study's finding by sending coy texts to female friends.
After all, I'm a man of science. If I'm going to read an article about
how women love to send sexually explicit text messages, I'm going to
need to verify the claim myself.
Using 100% sound scientific practices
with no flaws whatsoever, I decided to induce sexting from some of my
female friends to see whether or not they'd be willing to just up and
partake in it. You know, for science. However, this wouldn't be a
valid scientific paper unless we pulled out our trusty middle school
scientific method! So let's kick this shit old school.
Do women actively enjoy sexting? Furthermore, will this little experiment get me inadvertently laid?
Never mind. I'll go with this one single source,
because I'm two beers deep and if I start Googling I'll inevitably end
up reading Avatar fan-fiction written by angsty teenagers.
actively enjoy sexting, but not with me, because I'm an idiot. I will
not get laid from this, and I will make at least one friendship awkward
during the period of time between the conversation and the publishing of
Time to put this all to the
test. I sent text messages to a few women I know, ideally the single
ones, and attempted to inspire some virtual heat.
Subject 1: I figured I'd dive right in and cut the bullshit. Every rap song I've
ever listened to indicates that a direct "yo, muh, lemme tap dat"
approach culminates with insertion. Instead, using this technique, I was
met with laughter. It occurred to me that maybe that's not conducive to
She then went on to tell me about her day. Maybe that's how married people sext.
Subject 2: This time I opened with the traditional "I'm feeling horny and want
to gauge your interest in genital magic" line. "What are you wearing?"
There are only three times that line is used: When you want to
passive-aggressively mock someone's wardrobe, when you're not sure what
to wear to an event, or when you're horny. No one ever asks that and
follows it up with, "it's for research for an article."
Damn, I almost had it.
Subject 3: Feeling that there was some potential, I used the same opener on a
woman who has been evading my penis so staunchly we might as well be
jousting. As usual, she wasn't very receptive, so I reverted to the
For anyone unaware, skorts are those half-shorts, half-skirts girls wore in elementary school.
Subject 4: For this trial, I figured I should maybe tone it down and not take
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tips from the Lil' Wayne School of Flirtation. At first I wasn't really
sure of how to approach this, but once I knew she was watching Sex and the City it became evident that she has terrible taste in things. So I felt had a chance. Lo and behold, it worked. That shit worked. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, so I won't be discussing the happenings of that evening with you all.
Subject 5: Jackpot.I
was hoping she would send a photo of some cantaloupes, then I'd ask
"want to see my cock?" and when she agrees expecting a rooster I send a
picture of my penis. This is not what happened.
appears my hypothesis was correct. Three out of five seemed to at the
very least acknowledge and throw me a bone. There's no doubt in my mind
that if I were to be smoother with the texts there would be some more verbal word play.
Don't trust me with your phone number. To the ladies I texted: Sorry I messaged you. To the ladies not included: Sorry I didn't.
But hang on a second...
yeah, the article in question states that the study was based off a web
site tailored to cheating whores and philandering assholes. My bad! AshleyMadison.com,
the go-to place for happily married individuals seeking to honor their
commitment by exchanging fluids with a stranger, was used as the survey
source. It's like claiming Americans are terrible at math when your
study consisted of asking algebra questions at a NASCAR event.
Still, three out of five ain't bad.