Some of us have the body of a peanut M&M. Our arms are skinny, our legs lack any real muscular definition, 'cause we've also got a belly full of peanut M&Ms. We've tried melting it down at the gym, but that involved sweating, so we quickly lost interest. When we went away for college, we tried charming the pants off women with our quick wit and short stories, but we ended up in the friend zone more often than not. Then 2009 happened.
All of a sudden chicks were coming up to us and saying, "Oh my god, you look like the guy from The Hangover." And boom, pants off.
Zach Galifianakis broke the glass ceiling for hip fat dudes from Brooklyn to Wynwood. He made it OK for really adorable chicks to date plaid-wearing chubsters (chubby + hipster = chubster). Big thanks goes out to Joaquin Phoenix, Seth Rogan, and Jack Black too for chipping away at that glass.
Do we look like the guy from The Hangover? Not really. He seems much taller than us, and his beard is manlier than ours. However, a tight shirt, vintage sunglasses and a kick-ass personality is just enough to confuse indie-alt cuties into cooing "Oh, Zach!"
What else is it about a chubby guy that melts a woman's heart like a chocolate bar under the sun? Here are some reasons why dating a dude with the body of 19th century Spanish king might be appetizing.
1. He's funny.
Every chub we know is funny. They're either funny-looking or depend on self-deprecating humor to win over lady friends. Fat dudes know they're fat. They decide to either (a) do something about it because they're insecure, or (b) do something about it that'll get them laid. For a while it worked for Chris Farley, and even the fat dude from Superbad gets busy sometimes.
2. He's always down for sex.
Chubsters were still jacking off into a napkin at the end of the night before everyone fell in love with Zach Galiwhatever. As he gained a little popularity, so did the desire for funny, cuddly teddy bears. Naturally, if chubby's dream girl wants to get down, he's going to snatch the bait. It's mutually beneficial.
3. He knows where to eat.
It's a given that food will play an important role in the relationship between a chubster and his girl. Some of us are vegetarian -- probably the fattest one people will ever meet -- but ask us where to get some tempeh or where you can find the best veggie burgers and we'll take you there. Oh you're a carnivore? That's cool. We haven't always been a vegetarian, and we can take you somewhere with fire steak or dank burgers.
4. You're always the prettier one.
This is Miami, a city full of closeted gay dudes that call themselves metro. Guys that want to look like Christiano Ronaldo and keep bottles of hair gel in their purses. We haven't used hair gel since we danced our cousin's quinces, nor have any of the other chubby cats we know. We can't imagine fighting with our girl over the mirror before going to Publix. We're chubsters, and we're ready to go when you are - as is.
5. Your girlfriends won't want to have sex with him -- at first.
Popping your chubster cherry is special. It takes an extraordinary girl to have sex with a fat guy, a very confident woman. Your friends probably aren't comfortable cuddling naked under ice cream-stained sheets and giggling over the cute things chubsters do that make people laugh. They'd rather go jogging with their MMA-obsessed boyfriends or tan at the beach all day. But be careful, Bored to Death, starring Zach Galifianakis, kicks off its second season on HBO at the end of September, and your friends may finally catch the chubster bug.
That said, pretty lady, the summer's almost over and unnecessary sweating will soon be a thing of the past. Find a chubster, not an obese statistic, but the cute and cuddly kind that's so sweet you'll go into a diabetic coma the moment your lips touch.
