We freaking abhor Glee! Phew. Finally, got that off our chests. That makes us feel a little better, but still nowhere near good enough considering Glee was on last night. And it's only been a couple nights since it took home its latest trove of awards from the Golden Globes. We imagine watching Glee (we don't really know since we've never watched the show) is like having a bad case of nausea and vomiting brought about by eating bad oysters and chasing that with Charlie horse to the thigh. Frankly, we'd rather stick our index finger way down or throat than watch the show. After all, hacking is an upgrade to the feeling we get from even discussing Glee.
And since it appears that Glee is going nowhere--it jumped the shark in its pilot episode--we thought about performing a ritualistic Glee excoriation. Read on for five reasons Glee sucks:
5. Desecration of Good Music
We got wind something was terribly wrong
when Glee did its own version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And
it's just gotten worse. Pick a cool, symbolic, reverential song from
your formative years and chances are Glee has shat all over it. Why
can't they at least come up with some original song? Actually, we're
not sure if they do. Again, we've never seen it. A self
described Gleek (by the way, the nickname for Glee fans is another reason to hate the show)
says creator Ryan Murphy picks everything from show tunes to pop
tunes to classic rock and hip-hop. To that we say: Acceptable, wrong,
wronger, and worthy of capital punishment, respectively.
4. Ruined the Career of That Lady from 40-Year Old Virgin.
that? Jane Lynch won an Emmy and Golden Globe thanks to Glee. Big
whoop. Makes no difference to us. This was a funny lady who should have
been remembered for small turns as a sexual deviant in 40-Year old
Virgin and a recovering druggie turned counselor in Role Models. And now
she's thrown in with the Glee lot. My goodness man, don't Glee
producers have any shame. The only thing this woman should be singing is
3. The People Who Like Glee Never Got Laid in High School
if they did it was just with other drama club members, which is like a
weird form of incest. We know this one has nothing to do with the show
itself but why can't those dorks who like, nay, adore the show, so much stop talking about it incessantly. Our Gleek friend
described her psychosis like this: "If you ever desired a reality where
it's normal to get up on the table and sing and dance (which duh, of
course, I do) then Glee was the best gift that ever came to you." Nuff
2. Marketing Monster
When a show like Glee gets so
much instant and prolonged exposure, you know there's a strong dark
force behind it. That same force keeps sending Cultist CDs of the
"music" (that's right, we used "quotation marks!") from the show. Just
so that you know, we laugh at those CDs, use them as Tron discs, and
bestow them upon the poorest sops among us like dunce caps. Not that we
want you to stop sending them, there's a pretty good market for them on
EBay and Amazon--there's a lot of drama club nerds out there!
1. The Show is So Gay (And not in a Good Way)
at Cultist love the gays (some of our best friends are gay) but we hate
Glee, at least in part because of the oversimplification it presents of
gays. Not that we've ever seen the show mind you, but we've heard
things. And for the record, just because you hate a show that is like
one giant, annoying show tune it doesn't mean you're a homophobe. Plus
there's a gay (we meant guy) on the show whose real name is Chord
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Overstreet. That's right, Chord. He looks like Justin Bieber to the tenth
gay. And we have to admit, he looks like what you think a Chord should.