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Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Chicago

Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Chicago
Wright Way Photography / Flickr CC

Let's be straight up. Chicago is a cool city. We actually have a lot in common. We both fired Ozzie Guillen; we both have serious problems with crime; our political corruption is legendary. Hell, Miami got love for the 312.

Just not while the Bulls are trying (and failing) to knock the Heat out of the playoffs.

Under any other circumstances, Chicago, we'd tell you how much we respect your Wrigley Field and your Oprah and your giant metal blob at Millennium Park. But not today. People in the Windy City are real, but in honor of tonight's game four and the pending end of the Bulls' season -- and quite frankly, because we truly believe Miami is a better city, in so many ways -- here are seven reasons why.

LEBRON SMASH.
LEBRON SMASH.
Keith Allison / Wikimedia CC

The LeBron Seal of Approval

Before King James made his decision, the Bulls were one of the teams in the running for his talents. Fans were licking their chops, assuming LeBron would choose Chi-town. He didn't. He's here. And he's won two MVPs while Chicago's MVP sits on the bench, just watching his team fade from the Playoffs.

Evil genius Pat Riley.
Evil genius Pat Riley.
Keith Allison / Wikimedia CC

Don Riley

Pat Riley is an NBA gangsta. As a player for the Lakers, he won championships. As a coach, he won championships. And as an executive, he wins championships. Who's your man? Rahm Emmanuel?

 

Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Chicago
Averette / Wikimedia CC

No Jacket Required

While you shovel your driveway out in Oak Park, we hang out on the beach sipping mojitos. Yeah, there are a couple of warm months in Chicago, but it's hardly comparable. Hanging out in Grant Park two months of the year eating bratwurst doesn't even come close to our irie lifestyle.

Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Chicago
George Martinez/gmartnx.com

Beautiful People

Our women are beautiful. Our men are beautiful. Our pets are beautiful. Our bums have pedicures. The ugliest people in Miami would be considered gorgeous in Chicago. Hey, don't take our word for it; Travel & Leisure knows what's up. Chicagoans may enjoy the nation's best pizza and sports bars, but that's not making them look any better.

Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Chicago

The Fans

You have Steve Bartman. (Thanks again, by the way.) We have Filomena Tobias. Nuff said.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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