Ah, Valentine's Day.
For some, it is a day to celebrate picture-perfect love. For others, February 14 is a day of overbearing anxieties that riddle one with last-minute planning in order to satisfy their significant other.
Some may be searching for an aphrodisiac-laden menu. But what if Valentine's Day brings up those repressed feelings of regret, pressure, or even claustrophobia? What if you wanted to find some way to get yourself dumped on Valentine's Day? Consult this guide for the best locations to inconspicuously segueway back into the world of single life.
If your lady's idea of romantic atmosphere is a bar that resembles a hollowed-out strip club, then by all means, take her here. The legendary deuce is famous for being the first bar opened on the beach. Calling it a dive would be an insult to the concept of recreationally swimming underwater at great depths. Club Deuce also loves their puns involving duos. For instance, their happy hour (from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m.) offers you two-for-one beers. The place is so nice she'll slap you twice. Better get used to the deuce puns, because you'll be dropping one on the relationship.
We all know women love it when you longingly gaze into their eyes. "Baby, I love you. You mean everything to me. I only have eyes for you," as you lock in with a pair of silicon breastisis gyrating behind your lady's head. Scratch the "baby," start calling her "toots." Ask the server to put the lemon pepper sauce for your chicken wings on the plate in the shape of a heart. Bonus points if you have a stripper jump out of the Red Velvet Cake. Double bonus points if you ask for a lapdance right after your 'loved one' begins eating.
Everyone knows the movie scene where the guy is trying to romance the woman with tableside violin players. Now, just imagine those violins replaced with two amps and a theramin. Put a Glade candle on the table, order up two fish n' chips', and utter those three magical words: "International Noise Conference." There's nothing more seductive than English pub food next to a wall filled with cigarette residue. When she goes to the bathroom and sees that it looks like a bomb went off, she'll immediately realize that her life is in shambles and drop you like that experimental avant-electric-jazz artist just dropped the bass.
Tables for two are so overrated. Why not spend your Valentine's Day dining cafeteria style? Mask the perfume of your date with BBQ smoke. Eat baked beans. Lots of them. Listen to the tooting and whirring of South Dixie Highway traffic. It doesn't get much better than this.
If you want to really surprise her, you might want to put a blindfold on her and lead her to this next doozy...
1. Mom and Dad's
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No, that's not the name of a new trendy South Beach establishment. It's your childhood home. Surprise! What could be more romantic than discussing your long term goals and the state of your relationship with those you love the most? Bonus points if your mother criticizes her outfit or talks about the obituaries in the paper.
Honorable Mentions: The Corner, Stir Crazy's Free Buffet, Keg South