Five New Ways for Netflix to Piss Off Customers
Those scamps at Netflix are at it again! First they announce
that they are doubling their subscription fee for people who want both the
delivery service and streaming. Then they announced that they would be
losing streaming rights for many of the major distributors, and they're
making each account unable to stream from more than one location at a time.
Dammit, Netlfix (now also known as Qwikster)!
What about the families whose various members like to use their service at the
same time? Or those of us who are lazy and mooch off of our roommates' accounts?
Netflix says these changing are to cut costs and remain competitive in a
changing marketplace, but we think they just get a kick out of annoying
customers. We here at Cultist have some more 'cost cutting' measures for
Netflix that will be sure to enrage everybody.
5. Make only the bad premium cable shows available
One of the biggest complaints about Netflix Instant Watch is
that despite having a wealth of TV shows available to viewers, many of the most
critically acclaimed shows on HBO, AMC, and Showtime are unavailable. If Netflix
really wants to get under their customers' skin they should announce a
partnership with the premium networks, but only for their worst shows. Want to
get caught up on Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead? Too bad, all Netflix will
have from AMC will be Rubicon and The Killing. Can't wait for your favorite HBO
show to be available at your fingertips? Better hope your favorite show is How
To Make It In America
4. Force customers to mail DVDs
Netflix claims that many of their unpopular policies come
from having to cut costs in order to stay competitive in the marketplace. What
better way to lower overhead AND piss off customers than to eliminate those
distribution centers that serve as the middlemen for customers to give and
receive DVDs? If the customer wants the next DVD in their queue, they'll just
have to wait for the last guy with the disc to go to their local post office
and pay for shipping out of their own copy. Better hope that the last guy with
The King's Speech doesn't live cross the country.
3. Place advertisements throughout Instant Watch
One of the advantages that Netflix Instant Watch has over
similar services such as Hulu Plus is that it doesn't inundate the product with
commercials after the customer has already paid for the service. Yet. If
Netflix wants to really get their fan base's goat and make some cash they will
place commercials before, during, and after anything viewed on streaming.
Remember when VHS and DVD had Coming Attractions before any movie? Bring it
back! And if the customers don't like having to wait seven minutes to start
watching the movie then they can just use the time to make themselves a snack,
just like at the theater. (Note to Netflix: find a way to get in to the movie
snack business -- there's plenty of money in it!)
2. Publish whatever the customer is watching to social networks
Already Netflix has the option available for people to link
their account to their Facebook, an option few indulge in because people
recognize that nobody cares what movie they just watched or their tastes in
cinema is embarrassingly terrible. Eliminate the option. Team up with Facebook
and Twitter and make the publishing of customer's queues mandatory. Binged on
all of the films that Julianne Moore appeared naked in? Everyone is going to know
it. This function may become the great equalizer as if anybody criticizes what
you watch you can always throw their undying love of the Police Academy
franchise in their face.
1. Cease distributing movies to home and cancel Instant
The easiest way for Netflix to turn a profit as well as
infuriate their customers would just to completely abandon their operating
model. Sure it was a good decade or so where people could get movies delivered
to their home at a flat rate with online streaming as a free perk, but the
people have spoken and that's just not a viable way to make money. (When we say
the 'people have spoken' we mean all of the major studios who are currently
Netflix needs a new model of operation to stay competitive
in the marketplace. They should try something nobody has ever done. What about having stores
across the country where people could rent the DVDs they want for a few days at
a time at a constant price? Such a visionary plan would ensue financial prosperity
for Netflix and the Movie Studios for years to come.
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