Five Movies That'll Keep You From Getting Married
Ah marriage. Nothing wrecks your sex drive, puts on the pounds, and generally makes you a loathsome miserable bitter human as efficiently as marriage. Of course there's that whole thing about growing old and dying alone you have to contend with if you don't get married. Screw you, Universe!
In honor of Company, the musical comedy about the reluctance to getting married, which opens this Friday at the Main Street Playhouse, we give you five movies that will inspire you to stay the hell away from taking the plunge:
5. Fatal Attraction (1987)
Wives took their husbands to see this just to watch their reactions during the movie. "That crazy-ass Beth who answers phones at your job is just like Alex! You're totally banging her aren't you?!" Thanks a lot Michael Douglas, jerk.
But it doesn't. Instead, all of these circumstances force Daniel to dress up as an elderly Scottish woman named Mrs. Doubtfire so he can secretly see his kids by becoming their caretaker. Shenanigans, of course, ensue. And because it's Robin Williams, Miranda and the kids never suspect a thing! So, to recap: Being married with kids may one day lead you to become a tranny.
Sounds like a typical divorce, until Oliver runs over Barbara's cat and she retaliates by locking him in the sauna where he almost dies of heat stroke. He attacks her, she hides, and eventually the warring couple find themselves hanging on the mansion's fragile chandelier high on the ceiling. The chandelier breaks and they both plummet to their deaths (um, SPOILER ALERT?). Marriage is such a romantic and exciting delight!
His best friend and mother think he's just fishing for an excuse to back out and not get hitched. But Charlie has plenty of reasons to think his girl will chop him to bits once they get married. It's a fairly funny movie filled with the usual Mike Myers facial ticks and patented wit. It's the kind of movie Tyler Perry would make if he was from Canada, or if he ever dropped acid.
1. I Think I Love My Wife (2007)
Should he stay with his wife of seven years, or scratch the itch with Nikki? Sure Brenda is a beautiful wife. But Nikki is also beautiful. Plus, she wears lacy thongs! Eventually every married man has to deal with this. Unfortunately, their lives are not scripts written by Chris Rock and Louis CK, nor does their dilemma get neatly ironed out in two hours. Hooray monogamy!
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