The stars of The Real Housewives of Miami can be entertaining, sure -- if you're into drag queen drama, blowjob controversies, terrifying plastic surgery, and throwing people into pools. But let's be real about these "Real" Housewives. They're wacky and tacky enough for Bravo franchises based in cities like New York or Atlanta. But here in Miami, our nation's capital of bizarre people and faaahbulous lifestyles, these 'wives rank at about a two on the WTF scale.
So while we'll still be tuning in this Monday for the season three premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami, we've gotta admit that Bravo could've done better. Here are five local ladies who could easily replace Lisa, Lea, Adriana, Alexia, and Joanna.
But not Elsa. Never Mama Elsa.
5. Lin Arison
Every Housewives franchise needs a foil, what comedians call a straight man -- essentially, someone good and decent who makes everyone else look extra-embarrassing by comparison. Arison, as co-founder of YoungArts, helps creative kids achieve their dreams. Compared to that, damn near everyone else looks embarrassing. Plus, she has tons of Carnival Cruise Lines money, meeting Bravo's "ridiculously rich" casting requirement.
4. Julie Loria
The wife of Marlins owner and Most Hated Man in Miami Jeffrey Loria hosted a swanky South Beach Wine and Food Festival event last year -- inside the very baseball park her husband had recently used to swindle local taxpayers out of millions. Clearly, she has the entertaining chops necessary to host even the most tense, catfight-y cast dinners. Plus, Miami viewers could cathartically throw things at the screen every time her husband makes a cameo.
3. Gabrielle Union
Okay, she's not technically a "wife." Then again, neither were Joanna Krupa or Adriana de Moura (at least not publicly), and they've survived this long. Her mere association with Dwyane Wade makes her Miami royalty. And her Hollywood career is sure to be a lot more fun to watch than, say, dentistry. (Ahem, Karent Sierra.)
2. Victoria Jackson
She's since skipped out of South Florida, but Victoria Jackson really only needs to show up for two or three episodes to make a season of Real Housewives worth watching. Picture her busting into a swanky, champagne-filled dinner, giant bow a-blazin', and unleashing some mad rant about communists and Cuba and the name Hussein. Maybe she throws a drink in someone's face, and then pauses to lick it off. America would be talking about that episode for years.
1. Gloria Estefan
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Gloria Estefan as a Real Housewife of Miami? Please. Estefan is *the* Real Housewife of Miami. She'd be like the patron saint of the Housewives, swooping in during a particularly nasty bout of hair-pulling to remind everybody to love each other and also to let the rhythm of the island move them. Every episode would end with a giant conga line, as Gloria sails away from yet another successful conflict resolution with Emilio on the biggest yacht you've ever seen.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.