The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare! Hooray, hooray! No more
giving fake names at emergency rooms and trying to set broken arms with a tree
branch and duct tape!
Though we're thrilled to get affordable health care, we
can't help but wish that Obamacare had been passed years and years ago. Just
think of everybody it could have helped. It could have even changed the course
of modern literature.
Just look at all the literary characters who could've benefited from a little socialized medicine.
Tiny Tim
Obvious? Sure, it's obvious. But Obamacare makes
it so that health insurance providers can't discriminate or drop patients
because they would be too expensive to cover and are too sick. No more relying
on scary ghosts to haunt your father's miserly, misanthropic boss to show how his
penny pinching has put you on death's door. Tiny Tim would have gotten some
pills to cure that nasty consumption of his, and while we're at it, could
probably get some braces or a walker instead of having to rely on a crutch.
Then he and his family can use the savings to have a Christmas meal every day! Joy!
Captain Ahab
Let's face it: Ahab is a classic case of
borderline obsessive personality, having driven himself crazy attempting to
kill Moby Dick. He is in desperate need of therapy, which Obamacare could provide.
He and his therapists can finally discover what exactly Moby Dick is a
surrogate for. Is it his parents who died and made him an orphan at such a
young age? Is it his wife and child he never sees? Maybe if Ahab had Obamacare
he would have sought medical attention after his initial encounter with the
whale instead of seeking out a life of vengeance against a dumb animal that
can't understand his actions.
Sherlock Holmes
A tenacious detective with his own evil
nemesis and a debilitating coke habit who is also constantly in danger? You
think private insurance companies want to cover him? Obamacare would allow Sherlock
to get cheap and affordable care without paying huge bills every time an
investigation causes him to wind up in the hospital. He could even finally not have
to rely on cocaine to drown his pain, and instead, find a decent rehab center.
Hell, he could even find a provider who would agree to cover Watson.
Kaspar Hauser
Poor Kaspar Hauser. The German dwarf
appeared out of nowhere in the early 1800's, claiming to have been raised for 18
years in total isolation in a dungeon. His numerous medical disorders baffled
doctors of his era, but at least with
Obamacare, he wouldn't have incurred the high costs of being surrounded by medical professionals 24-7. Of course, Germany already has the public health care
option so he probably wouldn't need Obamacare. But if you think about it, all
of these characters are European and don't really need Obamacare. Please stop
poking holes in the basic premise of this post, guys. It's just bad manners.
Ophelia
Talk about someone who was in desperate need of
medical attention. The daughter of Polonius is driven crazy after her father is
killed by the also debatably crazy Hamlet. She is driven into a deep
depression, potentially also hearing voices. If she were covered under
Obamacare, a decent doctor could have diagnosed her schizophrenia and suicidal
tendencies. Prince Hamlet could have potentially gotten help too, as Obamacare
allows children to be covered under parents' plan until they are 26. Some would
say that would make the Shakespeare drama less urgent, but we say there is
nothing more urgent than good health care.
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