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Five Freaky Sex Acts You Probably Didn't Know Existed (NSFW)

Summer in Miami: It's hot. It's wet. It's sticky. It's steamy. Many people would consider it gross. And no, we're not talking about the weather.

Reports of unusual behavior in South Florida's bedrooms (and bathrooms, and other rooms) have increased significantly since the start of the summer. And by "unusual," we mean, "shocking," "bizarre," and "who thinks of that?" Cultist's no prude, but wow. Just wow.

Still, since there's little else to do indoors these days besides reinvent your bedroom behavior, we're bringing you reports from Miami's nether regions and beyond of sex acts that may be going on in right in your own back yard (so to speak). Warning: These NSFW dirty deeds going down in the 305 are not for the faint of heart, let alone the weak of stomach.

Follow the jump for five weird sex acts you've probably never heard of.

"Is this your hamper?" "No, silly! It's how I will choose my horizontal dance partner tonight!"
"Is this your hamper?" "No, silly! It's how I will choose my horizontal dance partner tonight!"

5. Pheromone Parties
Here's one that's definitely happening in Miami — in fact, this sexual activity is established enough to have its own website. The rules: Wear a cotton t-shirt for three days straight then seal it in a plastic bag. Guests take their marked and sealed bags to the party where they are all placed on a table. You spend the evening taking whiffs from each other's bags until you find a scent that makes you feel a bit frisky, then you make contact with the appropriate guest. What happens after that is up to you.

Goatse "spreads" its way across the interwebz.
Goatse "spreads" its way across the interwebz.

4. Goatse
Goatse is the term bestowed upon the act of anal stretching. Although the act existed prior to the Goatse website, Kirk Johnson made the term popular with his graphic images of, uh, well, you know.

You've gotta watch out for goatse, though, and not just in the bedroom. The website has been often used by pranksters as a bait and switch link posted on Internet comment threads. Example: "I hate animal abuse too! (sad face) There's a little girl in Oregon who is saving kittens - her selfless efforts to improve our world warm my heart. Check out her cute, little blog: goatse.cx." When you click on the link so that your heart can also be warmed, you are faced with Mr. Johnson manually stretching his anus. Surprise!

 

Your abuela had a life before you came along, you know.
Your abuela had a life before you came along, you know.

3. Lemon Party
Lemon Parties have been mentioned on such seminal programs as 30 Rock and the Simpsons, as well by the less influential Fall Out Boy, and Superbad stars Michael Cera and Jonah Hill. But if you picked up on the context, you (hopefully) knew better than to Google the term yourself. So allow us to illuminate you: The term originated from lemonparty.org, a website which featured a video of three octogenarian-looking males getting it on. It has now come to serve as the term for senior citizen multipartner sex romps. We feel that 'octogenarian orgy' has a much nicer ring to it.

"Please bring me a pony, Santa!"
"Please bring me a pony, Santa!"

2. Pony Play
We first came across this sex act while reading the short story, "The City Pony" by Roxy Katt in the anthology Where the Girls Are. But this isn't just a fictional fetish. You know a sex act is official when it requires gear, and gear we found — in abundance. Pony play entails one partner taking on the role of a pony, including, but not limited to: Being fed carrots, wearing a saddle, and wearing a tail (which, naturally, hangs from the end of a butt plug). The pony is expected to whinny, gallop, and otherwise do all the other cute things that ponies do — plus some things they aren't.

"Bone" Appétit...
"Bone" Appétit...
via Flickr www.worththewhisk.com

1. Shrimping
This act had to make the top of the list for its sheer, ahem, originality. We learned about this from a Miami police officer (one who preferred to remain anonymous) who discovered "shrimping" while investigating a sexual battery case. Shrimping involves one male being on the receiving end of a line of males who take turns engaging in anal sex with the first male. Once everyone has made a deposit into the Bank of Savings & Rectum, one "lucky" guy, usually celebrating his birthday, inserts a PVC pipe into the receptacle's rectum and uses it to, um, make a withdrawal.

Said our contact, "I've seen a lot of things in 14 years as a PO, but this... this was all kinds of new. Thankfully the neighbors dropped in to see how their friend was doing and explained this "shrimping" phenomenon. Welcome to Miami Beach."

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