Maxim, like all magazines sporting scantily clad, heavily Photoshopped women on their covers, is selling a fantasy. That's especially true of its "Hot 100" issue, which ranks the sexiest women celebrities in a series of photos for straight dudes to, um, appreciate. Sorry, fellas, but Maxim's pages are about as close as you're going to get.
Unless you live in Florida.
Some of Maxim's highest-ranking women have strong ties to the Sunshine State, returning again and again for fun and family time. That means you, Florida reader, have a better chance of running into these women than the average perv. It's like Christmas came early, much as you would if Kate Upton smiled at you.
Be on the lookout for these faces:
Maxim ranking: #70
This Danish model made her first appearance in Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue in 2012 as "Rookie of the Year." But she's been appearing in Miami regularly for far longer, most notably for the annual Model Beach Volleyball Tournament, where she's way, way too patient with awkward dudes from New Times.
Model/Real Housewife of Miami
Maxim ranking: #66
Maxim calls Krupa a "reality television goddess." Miami knows her for her feud with that shmuck Joe Francis and her, um, unorthodox PETA ads. Either way, girl looks damn good in a bathing suit. (Even if it is bizarrely low-cut and falling off her shoulders for no reason.)
Actor, Modern Family
Maxim ranking: #49
Vergara's fiance is Nick Loeb, an entrepreneur who splits his time between Florida, New York, and California. The bad news for pervs is that Vergara's thisclose to being off the market. The good news for pervs is that when Vergara and Loeb roll through Miami, there's a decent chance of a nip slip.
Maxim ranking: #8
Kate Upton is the ultimate Florida girl. She's from Melbourne, Florida, and if that's not enough, she's also apparently a big fan of Flo Rida -- hell, she let him spank her during an onstage performance. And let's not forget that alleged makeout session with Diddy, said to have taken place in South Beach.
Maxim ranking: #3
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After Barbados, Miami is RiRi's second home. Where else can a girl blow $8,000 on strippers, chow down on a cake shaped like a pot leaf, and rock a sweet pair of Miami Heat-branded sunglasses at American Airlines Arena?
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.