Five Fictional Republicans We'd Rather See Campaigning in Florida This Week
Our fellow Floridians, another round of primary elections is upon us and with it comes the usual sleazy political drama. Attack ads clog our airwaves; politicians deliver lofty promises they can't keep; and national news organizations have another chance to bring up the "hanging chad" incident.
This time around, the Republican Party has our undivided attention. The recent debate saw candidates focus on issues near and dear to Floridian hearts, each man taking time to weigh in on immigration law, the Cuban embargo, the ailing housing and job markets, and of course, which of these four men has the best chance of overpowering President Obama in a general election.
Republicans' options are sparse. There's hip grandpa and idealistic underdog Ron Paul. There's overly polite and somewhat lost-looking Rick Santorum. You've got unapologetic and sour-faced Newt Gingrich. And then there's pretty-faced, funny underpants-wearing Mitt Romney. Seriously, we've seen more likable conservatives on primetime sitcoms.
Perhaps the Republican Party and its nominees could take some cool cues from these American T.V. heroes. Here are five fictional characters we wish we'd see on the ballot.
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
Ron Swanson, the macho mustache of Parks and Recreation, is the kind of hardball, straight shooter this country deserves. He may technically be a libertarian, but that doesn't stop Ron Paul from running on the Republican ticket every four years.
With an unwavering devotion to our freedom, our troops, and our bacon, you can be sure Swanson would foster job creation and deregulation by promoting the privatization of everything, and whittling big government down to essentially nothing. And with a scowl like that, you know he'd have the upper hand with foreign leaders.
He's experienced in government, he never backs down, and he was born ready. He's Ron freaking Swanson.
Holding it down on the ballot for women everywhere is Celia Hodes, councilwoman of sunny Agrestic on the Showtime series Weeds. She's proven herself a tough campaigner and mighty force on the council, not to mention she survived cancer with her domineering bitch-hood intact.
It's true her pitiful relationship with and reluctance to accept her daughter's homosexuality may not make her any friends in South Florida's gay community, and she has proven herself a bit of a flip-flopper, open to backroom deals. Still, her take-charge attitude and pretty smile give her a good chance against the real guys, and there's always the chance she's for legalization.Next Page
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