Five Fictional Republicans We'd Rather See Campaigning in Florida This Week

Our fellow Floridians, another round of primary elections is upon us and with it comes the usual sleazy political drama. Attack ads clog our airwaves; politicians deliver lofty promises they can't keep; and national news organizations have another chance to bring up the "hanging chad" incident.

This time around, the Republican Party has our undivided attention. The recent debate saw candidates focus on issues near and dear to Floridian hearts, each man taking time to weigh in on immigration law, the Cuban embargo, the ailing housing and job markets, and of course, which of these four men has the best chance of overpowering President Obama in a general election.

Republicans' options are sparse. There's hip grandpa and idealistic underdog Ron Paul. There's overly polite and somewhat lost-looking Rick Santorum. You've got unapologetic and sour-faced Newt Gingrich. And then there's pretty-faced, funny underpants-wearing Mitt Romney. Seriously, we've seen more likable conservatives on primetime sitcoms.

Perhaps the Republican Party and its nominees could take some cool cues from these American T.V. heroes. Here are five fictional characters we wish we'd see on the ballot.

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson, the macho mustache of Parks and Recreation, is the kind of hardball, straight shooter this country deserves. He may technically be a libertarian, but that doesn't stop Ron Paul from running on the Republican ticket every four years.

With an unwavering devotion to our freedom, our troops, and our bacon, you can be sure Swanson would foster job creation and deregulation by promoting the privatization of everything, and whittling big government down to essentially nothing. And with a scowl like that, you know he'd have the upper hand with foreign leaders.

He's experienced in government, he never backs down, and he was born ready. He's Ron freaking Swanson.

Celia Hodes
Holding it down on the ballot for women everywhere is Celia Hodes, councilwoman of sunny Agrestic on the Showtime series Weeds. She's proven herself a tough campaigner and mighty force on the council, not to mention she survived cancer with her domineering bitch-hood intact.

It's true her pitiful relationship with and reluctance to accept her daughter's homosexuality may not make her any friends in South Florida's gay community, and she has proven herself a bit of a flip-flopper, open to backroom deals. Still, her take-charge attitude and pretty smile give her a good chance against the real guys, and there's always the chance she's for legalization.


Don Draper
Don Draper, the womanizing advertising genius from Mad Men, is perhaps the most traditionally Presidential on this list. He's a born leader with a strong jaw and a lovely trophy wife, all things Republicans get excited about.

Plus, the man is a brilliant wordsmith. He could sell sand to the Middle East while still hung-over. He's full of inspired rhetoric, and that's just what Republicans need to go toe-to-toe with smooth talking President Obama in debates. Plus, he has a lot of friends in the propaganda machine.

Of course, even Draper isn't perfect. He's got more than his fair share of skeletons in the closet: his whole life is based on a lie, he's terribly hypocritical, and clings to out-dated ideas of gender and racial inequality. But he sure does look fine in a suit.

Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert, who needs no introduction, is a red-blooded American through and through. Over the years, he's cultivated a cult of personality so powerful he got Ben and Jerry's to give him his own patriotic ice cream flavor.

Colbert is a truly uniting force, bringing both liberals and conservatives together each evening to join in the common cause of laughter. He's tried his hand in politics before, having run a campaign for Presidency back in 2008 and more recently throwing his weight behind Herman Cain's defunct campaign in the South Carolina primary. The Colbert bump may be exactly what the GOP needs.

Jack Donaghy
There's one man on this list who stands head and shoulders above the rest - with a fabulous head of hair - and that's 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy. The TV and manufacturing mogul is surprisingly likable, and somehow manages to get along with everyone, the kind of personality one needs to move this Congress across the aisle.

He stands for growth, innovation, and the entrepreneurial spirit -- three things America needs to help her out of her economic crisis -- and his pro-diversity policies and proven love for Latinas couldn't possibly hurt him here at home.

Sure he espouses middle-American values while living a sheltered life of money and privilege, but he knows ours is a country built by humble people of different backgrounds coming together for the common good (making money, that is). Plus, he's got the liberal media in his pocket.

Yes, Jack Donaghy is truly unstoppable - too bad for the Republican Party he takes after Romney's teeth; too good to be true.

--Kat Bein

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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