The absolute greatest TV news magazine, 60 Minutes, will lose its long-time resident curmudgeon on Sunday when Andy Rooney delivers his final original essay--his 1,097th.
It will feature a segment with the show's second oldest white dude, Morley Shafer, 72, interviewing 92-year-old Rooney about his incredibly long career and what it was like to kick it with Grover Cleveland.
Listen, Andy Rooney is gnarly, and we're going to miss that old man lecturing us on "know nothing boobs" who don't appreciate modern art. But 60 Minutes needs another curmudgeon, and we want to help them find one. Check out our list of old dudes that should fill in for Andy Rooney.
5. Regis Philbin
On November 18, Regis Philbin will walk away from "LIVE! With Regis and Kelly" after 23 years of hosting the show. Rumor has it, dude's too old for mornings and entirely out of touch with contemporary culture. Lucky for him, CBS is looking to replace an old dude that's completely out of touch.
4. Jack McKeon
Trader Jack's going to have a lot of free time now that he's been forced into retiring--again--by the Florida Marlins. He won't be skippering the Fish when the head south to their new home in Little Havana, but he'd be great in the Andy Rooney chair spitting nonsence about Twitter and whatnot.
3 Don Imus
On second though, no. He called the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy headed hoes," and even though he apologized, it's fucked up. Dude's a wrinkly wanker.
2. Dick Cheney
At one point, Cheney was America's most powerful Dick. But since falling out of the vice presidential spotlight, he's sort of drifted into obscurity. Well, aside from the memoir in which he pans a lot of his former cronies.
1. Statler and Waldorf
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Andy Rooney's only competition for greatest TV curmudgeon are Statler and Waldorf. We'd love to see these guys at the end of every 60 Minutes.
We'll miss you, Grandpa Rooney.