Five Celebrities Who Should Never Write Children's Books
Perez Hilton: Celebrity ass-kisser. MS Paint pro. Children's book author. Yes, the former Miamian and Belen Jesuit grad thinks he can appeal to kids. The result? The Boy With Pink Hair. The plot goes something like this: a little boy is different because he has pink hair and gets bullied or something but doesn't care 'cause he's fabulous and knows it -- to be honest, we don't care.
Look Perez, stick to what you know -- drawing cum stains on celebutards. Oh wait, he doesn't do that anymore. That's because it has been Perez's mission for the last few years to soften his image. But we all know he will always be a mean girl. (We are all mean girls here at Cultist, so it takes one to know one.)
Still, that's doesn't seem to be stopping him. In fact, he'll be at the Eden Roc Renaissance Miami Beach tonight for a book signing from 7 to 10 p.m. The kicker? The children's book signing is sponsored by Martini Moscato d'Asti wine, which will be serving cocktails -- at a children's book signing. What? Juicy Juice wasn't available? But there could be far worse children's book authors than Perez. Let's take a gander:
Oops! Too late. The Material Girl already penned -- or ghostwrote, we aren't sure -- over a dozen children's book. But what can you expect from Madonna, who thinks of herself less like the controversial '80s and '90s pop icon, and more like the Virgin Mary these days. She swoops into Africa, saving children from poverty amid controversy. Except, Madonna is and will always be an obnoxious diva. Example: she totally freaked out last week when a journalist handed her hydrangeas at the Venice Film Festival. Then she tried to pass it off as a joke.
Possible book title: Sex: For Kids!
4. Joe Jackson and Dina Lohan
In an awesome other dimension, some big publishing house would join together these two stage parents and ask them to co-author a children's book on how to scar your child for life. Of course, Joe Jackson, father of Michael and Janet Jackson, is best known for driving his children to the brink of insanity in order to make a buck. And Dina Lohan acts more like Lindsay Lohan's party gal than mother and is always in a constant state of denial about the well-being of her daughter.
Possible book title: Sorry All Your Money Is Gone, But Mommy Needed New Tits
3. Courtney Love
Seriously, we love Courtney Love. And Frances Bean actually ended up having quite a normal life -- well, as normal of a life a child of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain can have. However, there are a few blemishes in Love's career in motherhood, which in 2009 resulted in Frances being placed under the guardianship of her grandmother and a temporary restraining order against Love. Still, we don't see parents rushing to the bookstore to buy copies of Love-authored kiddie lit.
Possible book title: Courtney Loves Chilrn Bok or Sum Shit Lik That
Media attention will drive you to do anything. Maybe it was the runaway success of the Gosselin children on TLC, but we aren't quite sure what would drive a woman to want to give birth to octuplets. Then there is a whole creepy surgery to look like a Bizarro version of Angelina Jolie. She tried so hard to score a reality show, but it seemed her media whorish ways were just too much for the American public. (Though, we're not sure why the Kardashians get a pass.)
Possible book titles: Mommy's Pregnant With Eight Little Kitties, Paparazzi & Me
1. Charlie Sheen
If we need to give you an explanation as to why Sheen should never author a children's book, let alone be near any children, well, there is no helping you. We could only imagine the contact high preschoolers would get just trying to read it.
Possible book titles: The Dog Who is Always #Winning, The Little Boy and the Goddesses
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.