Five and Half Inappropriate Couples Costumes for Halloween
A Halloween costume can highlight your creativity, intelligence, or how well your breasts heal post-op. And when you're in a relationship, a cleverly themed couple's costume can show the world how solid of a match the two of you are. Take Heidi Klum and Seal.
Every year, the pair hosts a huge Halloween bash in which they set the bar pretty high for couples costumes. One year they dressed like Eve and the Apple, another as the Hindu goddess of death and destruction. And in 2009, when the two couldn't renew their vows in Mexico -- which they do every year -- because of the swine flu, they threw a trailer-trash-themed wedding in Malibu and dressed the part. Aw, shared elitist classism really keeps the flame burning!
Heidi and Seal seem to have their shit together, but it doesn't mean every couple does. We wouldn't expect Hitler and Ava Gardner -- or anyone who reads this blog -- to distinguish good taste from poor taste. So here are five inappropriate couples costumes for Halloween that everyone should avoid.
5. The Armstrongs from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
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Sure, this costume is tempting. For Taylor, all you'll need is a pair of inflatable lips. And as soon as you get those inflatable lips, all you'll have to do to get in character is start wearing them immediately. Don't worry if the lips don't separate -- there's no need to eat. And the sadness in your eyes will only amplify Taylor's true character.
As for Russell, just slap on a suit and then vanish -- like you're being completely edited out of a reality show -- every time someone acknowledges your presence. Make a blatant reference to his suicide and you'll be as trashy as that guy who dressed as the Crocodile Hunter with a bloody stingray's stinger in his chest a month after Steve Irwin died. But really, if you want to be an idiot and poke fun at something horrendous, watch a Twilight movie.
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger and the maid
Avoid this costume mainly because we don't want to see how your attempt at making the Governator or Mildred Beana sexy. And dressing up as Mr. Universe and wearing a French maid costume doesn't count. If you want to dress up as a sexy can of pinto or kidney beans, however, that's the kind of creativity we can get behind on the kitchen counter, in the living room, or Schwarzenegger's marital bed.
3. A couple of acquitted hotties
If you want to do the whole sexy/topical-news story thing, wouldn't it be more fun to dress up as foxy Amanda Knox-y (in a bikini made of spaghetti) and Casey Anthony (in a bikini made of chloroform and/or little girls' tears) after their eventual joint Playboy pictorial? In this case, you would have to avoid scorn only at satanic orgies in the state of Florida.
2 1/2. Suicide bomber and TSA agent
Because who doesn't want to watch these two making out all night long?
2. Nancy Grace and her nipple
That is, unless you're a huge fan of pepperoni (because if you decide to be the nipple, that's your costume's true inspiration) and happen to be going to a Halloween-themed Roman shower party. In that case, it's totally appropriate.
1. Charlie Sheen's twin sons
Sheen's spawn Bob and Max were exposed to many a porn star. So we understand if this costume is tempting. You can basically ask any woman dressed as a slutty cheerleader/cop/septic-tank cleaner if she can assist you with breastfeeding. As alluring as it might seem, fight the urge. Based on the twins' sordid childhood, they'll grow up to become Mormons, axe murderers, or politicians, and we don't need to get their tiger blood boiling.
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