Time to set aside that tween novel about a star-crossed necrophiliac /zombie couple (destined to a life of yearning stares thanks to one's need to be alive and the other's need for human brains) that you've been slaving over for the past five years at your local Starbucks because we've got some depressing news. Boo, Facebook's most popular dog, has just gotten a book deal with Chronicle Books. Yes. A dog.
Or rather Boo's owner - who's savvy enough to know that the internet is swarming with (at least 1,426,467) dummies dumb enough to spend hours on end looking at picture after picture of a tiny, fuzzy Pomeranian in a T-shirt sleep, sit, and sleep some more (so that's what was preoccupying both houses during the debt sealing issue, not raising taxes!) - got a book deal. According to publishers, Boo: The Life of the World's Cutest Dog is due out sometime this fall and will be written "in Boo's own words," (bark, yelp, whimper, and sniff?). It will journal his life as a "little dog in a big world", and include lots of photos. Basically, it's Boo's pictures in a coffee table book that you can give to someone like your great aunt Bitty to swoon over before her nightly routine of slow dancing with her coat hanger and quietly sobbing.
And like most human beings who favor storyline over cuteness, we say this book deal is a big pile of precious little puppy pebbles (that probably smell like bubble gum) straight of our Boo's hairy - yet neatly trimmed - ass. There's tons of other animals out there with much better life stories than Boo's thus being much more deserving of a book deal. Our list is only lipstick length away:
Donkra
Half donkey, half zebra, this adorable zebra-hybrid is only the fourth known case in the world. Born in a zoo in China, zookeepers decided to keep Donkra's mother, who is a zebra, alone in an enclosure with a horny ass who repeatedly banged her until she gave birth to this unique specimen. According to the zoo, it all happened naturally.
And for a little sprinkle of drama, Donkra almost died at birth thanks to his mom's sexy amniotic fluid filling his nose and mouth (yum). But the real meat of Donkra's story will come in the form of his life long conundrum. In the same ilk of contemporary authors like Amy Tan and Junot Diaz who have written about similar multiethnic themes, little Donkra will probably never feel quite zebra enough or donkey enough to be fully embraced by either species, leading him to a life of drugs, debauchery, and full time residence with pimp daddy Pinocchio on Pleasure Island.
Betty
This adorably sad hedgehog from the UK was born with a mystery skin condition that left her with no spines and dry skin. She can't be released into the wild because without her spines she's vulnerable to cold weather and is unable to protect herself against predators especially when they laugh and point at her for looking like a rhino's nut sack. Not to mention girlfriend is already insecure and doesn't like socializing with other hedgehogs because they never let poor Betty join in all their hedgehog games. Where's Santa and a stormy Christmas night when you need them, dammit?
Anyway, being that Betty is probably doomed to a sad, lonely life indoors is it safe to say she may be the next coming of Emily Dickinson? We think so.
Amelia
This pussy has the kind of life story that truly deserves an Eat, Pray, Love type of spiritual hiatus because Amela's tale trumps divorce and she could use a vacation or three. Basically at the spry age of 18 months Amelia tumbled out of a moving truck crossing Washington's Allen Street Bridge . While in shook, she was hit by an on-coming car that flung her over the guard rail causing her to plummet 70 feet onto hard asphalt. The local cat lady a witness, who weaved out of traffic in order to find what she presumed would be a pancaked kitty laying under the bridge, was shocked to find Amelia alive, crotched under a van. She promptly called the Humane Society who picked the cat up and named her Amelia because "she flew."
Amelia cheated death with a front broken leg, a cracked palate in the roof of her mouth, and sadly, the loss of a litter of kittens -- that's right she was preggers prior to the hit and fly. But, Amelia being the kind-hearted heroine that every good best-seller needs, used her teets filled with the good stuff to nurse an orphaned kitten.
Mason
When the April 27th tornadoes hit Alabama like an Alabamian to a meth pipe banjo last spring, poor Mason who was hiding in his owners' garage, was yanked up and blown far, far away, resulting in two badly broken legs. But this didn't deter Benji's doppelganger from doing something so crazy that it almost reads like fiction - he crawled back home on two broken legs. Yeah. Did any of Hemmingway's lion shooting, manly-man characters do that? Okay, maybe.
Kitler
The spurring of WWII, the need to develop a superior race, the massacring of thousands of Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, and lizards - okay, that was Hitler and not the cute bundle of awws known as Kitler, the kitten no one wants to adopt because of his likeliness to the worst villain who ever lived, which is like, 10 times worse than any villain known to literature. That's a fact, look it up.
And okay, Kitler's life story thus far isn't that interesting...we just hope little Kitler gets into Feline Art School, that's all.
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