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Fitness Universe Weekend: Freaky Fashions of the Buff and Beefy

From left to right: Fernando Valdez and Julianna Zambiano traveled from Mexico while Aldo Perez traveled from New Mexico.
From left to right: Fernando Valdez and Julianna Zambiano traveled from Mexico while Aldo Perez traveled from New Mexico.

If you live in Miami, your eyes have seen it all. By "all," we mean older men in Speedos, elder women pretending to be teens, and more general flamboyance when it comes to style. It's what makes people-watching Miamians' top choice of entertainment -- it's so damn entertaining.

But brace yourselves: Fitness Universe Weekend took Miami Beach by storm last weekend, and brought Miami fashion failure to a whole other level.

See also: How to Get Laid at Fitness Universe Weekend

If you're saying to yourself, "I wonder how people went dressed to Fitness Universe Weekend?" we have your answer: No one was dressed. And those people put every naked and clothed individual to shame.

Muscular athletes from all over the world came to Miami to compete against other muscular athletes to determine who is the most muscular or who has the best bikini bod. Lincoln Road transformed into the land of fake tans, tight glutes, chocolate bar abs, and Michelle Obama-like arms. All in bathing suits. Only bathing suits.

Grace Livington competed for Bikini Classic in the women over 35 category. Cheryl Bland competed for Bikini Masters in the women over 45 category and placed 2nd.
Grace Livington competed for Bikini Classic in the women over 35 category. Cheryl Bland competed for Bikini Masters in the women over 45 category and placed 2nd.

There's no better place for Fitness Universe Weekend than Miami. Why? Because the magic of our city is its notorious fake boobs, killer bods, and a peculiar sense of style. What can you expect from a city with 90 degree weather year-round? People get creative.

Miami Beach welcomed these athletes with open arms and scorching hot weather. Their tans were melting off, literally. But the competitors kicked everyone in the ass in their competition outfits (if you can even call that an outfit).

 

From left to right: Alexandra Otero placed 3rd in the Classic Short competition, while Wendy Walter placed 2nd.
From left to right: Alexandra Otero placed 3rd in the Classic Short competition, while Wendy Walter placed 2nd.

If you like bikinis, boy did you miss out. Bikinis had every sort of embellishment: studs, diamonds, pearls, you name it. 50-year-old ladies sported bikinis better than any 21-year-old in Miami. Men of all ages walked around all buffed up in tanks and muscles. These men carried muscles on top of their muscles.

But hey, if walking around in bedazzled bikinis is not your thing, that's totally understandable. But you can't argue that sitting back with some froyo and observing this scene in awe was the best way to spend your Saturday.

Though her tan was melting away (she joked about it), Anni Mairs placed 5th in the Bikini Masters competition (women 45 and up).
Though her tan was melting away (she joked about it), Anni Mairs placed 5th in the Bikini Masters competition (women 45 and up).
Grace Livington won over the audience, but not the judges. She didn't place this year.
Grace Livington won over the audience, but not the judges. She didn't place this year.
Akinobu Nagae traveled from Japan, and we couldn't get any information because he doesn't speak English!
Akinobu Nagae traveled from Japan, and we couldn't get any information because he doesn't speak English!

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