We hope the few brief hours that Facebook was down last week gave you some perspective in tech-consumed life. Maybe you read a few more pages in Franzen'sFreedom
. Or finished that paperwork you neglected all day long. Or even sawThe Social Network
(although we are not sure that counts!). More than likely, though, you spent the downtime mashing your keyboard's refresh button, desperate to return your status-filled life to normalcy. Our tech dependency is growing daily and that comes with a downside such as one-way tickets to Drunk Dial County . We compiled just a few ways technology is impeding your happiness.
Facebook Photo Memories
Facebook functions as a scrapbook allowing you a nostalgic look at times gone by. Even more impressive, some kooky Facebook algorhithm takes the people you view most often and makes them the focus of the pictures. Chances are the people you view the most are romantic prospects, past and present. Facebook has no way of knowing whether bombarding you with photos of these people serves as a pleasant reminder or a painful trip down memory lane. Trying to get over a lost love? Have fun eyeballing their mugs every few minutes. And unlike an old photo album, you can't burn Photo Memories or turn it off for that matter. Sure, you could de-friend that person, but then you seem like a vindictive jerk (you are, by the way).
The Photo Memory function is the emotional equivalent of quitting drugs cold turkey only to wind up in a crack house. How long until you relapse? Facebook Photo Memories are a one-way ticket to Drunk Dial County and trust us you don't want to make that trip.
Twitter Phone Updates
Have you started following a hysterical friend on Twitte rand then decided that their tweets are so damn funny you need to know about them the second they enter the e-atmosphere? Bad move. Their slams about last night's Jersey Shore may help you through the workday, but remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely. And absolute Twitter will...um... run up your phone bill (OK bad analogy). Pretty soon, you'll be looking like a jackass in a meeting when your phone's blowing up about how your friend's lunch burrito isn't sitting right. Spare your phone these pointless tirades (get text updates from @CultistMiami, who never abuses your Twitter trust).
Amazon "Suggested For You"
Awesome, you bought the new Big Boi album off of Amazon and now you have a swath of similar albums you may enjoy! Granted you don't even trust your friends with music suggestions let alone a non-sentient being, but it's the thought that counts, right? Amazon's suggestion application is a nifty tool until you make one wrong purchase. Bought the newest Glenn Beck book as a joke for you friend? Amazon will fast track you for Tea Party membership. You can't beat its system, so you might as well play with it: order two incongruent items, say Chicken Soup for the Soul and The Anarchist Cookbook and watch Amazon whirl in confusion trying to come up with a suitable suggestion.
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Kids raised in the technological age have had it easy when it comes to consuming pornography. No need to steal your father's Playboy when you have a cable modem. Free, full-length, streaming videos of every flavor of sexuality is just one Google search away. But ease of access comes with various pitfalls. It only takes one time for you to leave a porn browser open when breaking out the laptop at Starbucks for it to never happen again (pray your speakers aren't on). And having someone type in facebook.com into your browser while a slew of Triple X addresses come up below it might just be this generation's equivalent to finding porn under the mattress. Getting caught masturbating to porn remains this generation's getting caught masturbating to porn. Sometimes the classics never change.