The Champagne has popped, the fireworks have exploded, and you've survived another Miami New Year's Eve without taking a stray bullet. (Hopefully.)
But so far, 2014 is the worst. You've been hungover for the past two days, all your friends are bragging about their stupid resolutions, and your boss comes back from vacation today to resume micromanaging your every move.
Chin up, folks. The new year has plenty going for it -- you just have to give it time. Here are 15 events to keep you going until that Champagne headache subsides.
Antony & Cleopatra
A joint effort of GableStage, New York's Public Theatre, and London's Royal Shakespeare Company, this is the biggest theatrical production to hit Miami in, well, maybe ever. Miami's own Tarell Alvin McCraney has created a stripped-down version of the Shakespeare classic, set in Haiti on the eve of the revolution. And it debuts here in Miami before anywhere else -- even New York.
The musical that swept the 2012 Tony Awards is finally headed to Miami as part of the Arsht Center's Broadway in America series. Expect anything but your typical "jazz hands and tap dancing" musical stereotype; this one tells the bittersweet story of two low-key musicians falling in and out of love.
Model Beach Volleyball
And now for something completely different: hotties knocking balls around in the South Florida sun. It's the annual Model Beach Volleyball tournament, pitting ridiculously good-looking people against each other in pits of sand. And if you've seen our previous coverage, you know you want to be there to see it for yourself.
Sure, Amy Schumer got famous in the lamest way possible (by placing fourth on NBC's Last Comic Standing). But she's proven her comedic chops over and over in the years since, from Comedy Central roasts to her own series, Inside Amy Schumer. Today, she's a really, really great counterargument to use whenever your asshole friend tries to argue that women just aren't funny.
Feb. 18 at the Arsht Center. Tickets cost $37.50-$45. Visit arshtcenter.org.
South Beach Wine & Food Festival
Nom nom nom. The annual festival of fine gluttony returns in 2014 with parties, seminars, and of course, massive tents filled with food and booze. Pretty much every food celebrity you can think of will be there. And let's be honest: you'll have given up your 2014 diet by then anyway.
Feb. 20-23 in locations all over town. Prices vary by event. Visit sobefest.com.
I mean, you must be dying to know who the MasterMind Award winners are, right?
Feb. 27 at Coral Gables Museum. Stay tuned to cultistmiami.com for updates.
Because be honest: You love Sister Act as much as the next warm-blooded American.
March 1 at the Arsht Center. Tickets cost $50-$95. Visit arshtcenter.org.
Miami International Film Festival
Have you heard of 20 Feet From Stardom? It's a stellar documentary that's getting all sorts of Oscar buzz lately, but savvy Miami film buffs saw it early last year when it opened the 2013 MIFF festivities. On the agenda in 2014: a soccer-themed, Pixar-esque animated feature and a music video competition.
March 7-16 in venues around town. Visit miamifilmfestival.com.
Vanitas: Fashion in Art
The Bass Museum explores the intersection of avant garde art and haute couture. It's the most faaaaahbulous exhibit to hit Miami in ages, dahlink.
Ultra Music Festival
MGMT, MIA, Avicii, and dozens more DJs and live acts converge on Bayfront Park for the 16th annual weekend of furry boot-wearing, tree-humping, untz-untz-untzing fun.
March 28-30. Tickets cost $399.99. Visit ultramusicfestival.com.
South Beach Comedy Festival
This year's lineup is still under wraps, but consider past performers: Louis CK, Sarah Silverman, Jon Stewart, and dozens of other worthy comics.
April 2-5. Visit southbeachcomedyfestival.com.
Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim
2014 dates for this annual festival of bikinis and beach bodies haven't yet been announced, but expect South Beach to be flooded with designers, models, and d-list celebrities come this July.
Two whole months of meals on the cheap? It's one of our favorite Miami traditions.
August through September. Visit ilovemiamispice.com.
Miami Book Fair
The 2013 edition featured two National Book Award authors. In 2014, we expect Pulitzers. Especially if they come for hometown talent. (Cough Karen Russell cough.)
November. Visit miamibookfair.com.
It just wouldn't be the end of the year in Miami without this annual arts and party fest. Bring it on, Basel.
December 4-7. Visit artbasel.com.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
Send your story tips to Cultist at firstname.lastname@example.org.