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Fake Tits and Holy Toast: Ten Uniquely Floridian Guinness World Records

God bless America.
God bless America.
guinnessworldrecords, Flickr

As we shift from March to April, it is with heavy hearts that we Florida residents must wave good-bye to the droves of shamelessly wasted, toxically sunburned, and unequivocally annoying college kids that swarm our shores every year for the spring break season.

Here in Miami, spring break brought the usual beer-fueled shenanigans. But things were different up north. At the beginning of the month, 450 bikini-clad bods took to the beach in Panama City to break the Guinness World Record for "Largest Bikini Parade."

Now, thanks to our faithful collegiate fan club, we have another gem to store in the overstuffed treasure chest of Guinness World Records that have found a home in Florida. The Sunshine State's freaks have made quite a name for us in the record book. Here we share the Top Ten Florida Guinness World Records to date -- and it should come as no shock that the top two nods go to residents of the 305.


10. Largest Bikini Parade
Because it's our most recent claim to fame, it's gotta be on the list. But the truth is: 450 doesn't really sound that impressive to us for a world record. We think Miami could blow Panama City out of the water on this one. Just group all the female attendees of Ultra on one end of Bayfront Park. Put Tiësto, or Avicii, or whoever, and copious amounts of illicit drugs on the other. Say "Go." You've got yourself a 80,000-strong bikini parade and a Guinness World Record.

A few of the whips in The Villages retirement mecca.
A few of the whips in The Villages retirement mecca.
citydata.com

9. Largest Parade of Golf Carts
Florida's demographics wouldn't be properly represented if we only had the world's largest bikini parade -- gotta give some love to the silver foxes in our midst, too. A far cry from spring break, this record was placed in The Villages, a massive retirement community in central Florida. Thousands of golf carts -- 3321, to be exact -- participated in what could have easily turned into the World's Largest Silver Alert.

This tree will blister, blind, and eventually kill you.
This tree will blister, blind, and eventually kill you.
Daquella manera, Flickr

8. Most Dangerous Tree
Florida used to be the home of the fifth oldest tree in the world, until a woman accidentally lit it on fire while she was smoking meth and it burned to the ground. Thankfully, we can still lay claim to the most dangerous tree, the machineel, which is native to the Florida Everglades. It drips poisonous, acidic sap that boils blisters at the merest skin contact; smoke from the tree burning can cause blindness; and if you eat the tree's fruit, you might die. It's just too bad our meth-smoking friend wasn't sitting under this tree, instead.

These kids aren't messing around.
These kids aren't messing around.
USACE Europe District, Flickr

7. Largest Easter Egg Hunt
Just in time for Easter. This particular hunt, which took place in Winter Haven in 2007, consisted of 501,000 eggs searched for by 9,753 children who were undoubtedly thrilled to be out breaking world records rather than stuck in a church pew. Logically, shouldn't we also possess the Guinness Record for Largest Omelette? Unfortunately, that highly-coveted nod goes to Turkey. (For now.)

This monkey has been to space and you have not.
This monkey has been to space and you have not.
Wikipedia

6. First Hominid to Survive a Space Flight
Fine, so most world records related to space are attributed to Florida, because we poke out into the Atlantic like America's middle finger, and thus are a great jumping-off point into the final frontier. (Go, us!). But let it be known, officially, that the first hominid to survive a space flight was Ham the chimpanzee in 1961. And from the look on his face, he has seen some life-altering things out there.

Fake Tits and Holy Toast: Ten Uniquely Floridian Guinness World Records
chavelli, Flickr

5. Largest Gathering of Plush Toys
Scoff all you want, but this one is a heart-squeezer. The Girl Scouts of Southeast Florida packed a colossal mountain of 5884 stuffed animals into Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, which were then donated to charities that work with children in crisis. We'd like to invite the Girl Scouts to set the world record for largest gathering of Girl Scout cookies in Miami. Preferably in the New Times offices. Now, please.

Franklin, Teddy, the other Franklin.. the gang's all here
Franklin, Teddy, the other Franklin.. the gang's all here
antiquespectacles.com

4. Largest Collection of Stamps Featuring Eyeglasses
The collection belongs to Jane Lippert Hushea from Pompano Beach, and also doubles as The Most Useless Guinness World Record in Existence.


We become temporarily blind when we look at this picture and thus cannot come up with a caption.
We become temporarily blind when we look at this picture and thus cannot come up with a caption.
Wikipedia

Wikipedia
We become temporarily blind when we look at this picture and thus cannot come up with a caption.

3. Largest Augmented Breasts

It should come as no surprise that Florida is home to the world's biggest fake tits. "Maxi Mounds" is a porn star, stripper, author, and general freak show from Sarasota. In 2005, she was officially measured to have an "around chest, over nipple" measurement of 60.5 inches. According to her Web site, her boobs weigh in at 20 pounds... each. The freaky part is, Ms. Mounds'... well, mounds, aren't even as big as those that set the Guinness Record for Largest Natural Breasts


Justin Shaw, bestowing great pride upon Miami with his luscious locks of arm hair.
Justin Shaw, bestowing great pride upon Miami with his luscious locks of arm hair.
Miami New Times

2. Longest Arm Hair
We already gave Coconut Grove resident Justin Shaw major props back in 2009, when he laid claim to the world record for longest arm hair. The hair in question measures up at a staggering 5.75 inches, beating out a Wisconsin teen's previous record by nearly half an inch. Take that, cheeseheads!

She is risen! The Virgin Mary of All Toastdom.
She is risen! The Virgin Mary of All Toastdom.
foodiggity.com

1. Most Expensive Sandwich Sold at Auction Online
This one takes the cake on our list. That is, it takes the toast. (Har har.) One humdrum afternoon in 1994, a Miami resident was biting into her grilled-cheese sandwich when-- Hallelujah!!-- she looked down and saw the Virgin Mary staring up at her from the toast. After hoarding it for a decade, she put it up for auction on eBay, where it went for $28,000. We think she should also have won the award for Savviest Salesperson of Worthless Items.

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