Life as a children's entertainer is probably pretty tough. Imagine being an adult, constantly engaging in coochie-coo, baby-waby talk, dealing with annoying snot-stained brats who aren't even your own children, and, perhaps worst of all, having to smile all the time.
These characters are held to a higher standard than say, Kim Kardashian. While the public cheers on the DUIs, sex tapes, money shots, and all around debauchery of debutwats and child stars, it frowns upon similar behavior from children's entertainers. Go figure.
But lately, there seem to be a lot of drunken, sex-related shenanigans perpetrated by children's entertainers. The guy who did Elmo's voice was accused of having sexual relations with underage teenagers, and now the son of the woman who created Barney was arrested for attempted murder. It's only a matter of time before the next beloved children's character turns out to be hiding a deep, dark secret.
Who's next? Here are our predictions of potential kiddie characters' secrets and scandals that haven't been exposed -- yet.
5. Lamb Chop After Hours
Many of us grew up watching Shari Lewis with her hand up Lamb Chop's ass. With a job like that, you know there have gotta be some demons lurking beneath that fuzzy surface.
Probable shocking revelation: Prostitution. A degrading job like Lamb Chop's could lead to some pretty expensive addictions. Just imagine: After shooting each episode, Lamb Chop, or Chuleta as he/she was known on the streets, took to hustling itself at tranny bestiality fetish parties for $100,000 a pop and all the gold spray paint the little minx could huff.
4. Big Bird's Big Mess
We know what you're thinking. A scandal involving Big Bird? Really? Well, yeah. Didn't he always seem kind of medicated to you?
Probable shocking revelation: BB has been battling a slew of issues since he was barely out of the nest. A self-hating homosexual who turned to alcohol, pills, and methamphetamines as a way to numb the pain, BB developed drug-induced schizophrenia, which he has been battling since the first season of Sesame Street. Ever wonder why BB is the only one who ever sees and hears Mr. Snuffleupagus? That's because ole "Snuff" doesn't exist. He's just an audio/visual hallucination stemming from BB's fractured psyche.
3. The Doodlebops: Musical Troupe or Spy Ring?
On TV, the Doodlebops are just a musical and comedy act spreading joy and fun to kids nationwide. But you can't trust anyone wearing that much sparkle.
Probable shocking revelation: Using their children's show as a cover, Russian-Canadians Deedee, Rooney, and Moe Doodle infiltrated the United States in order to collect information for Fidel Castro. Pretending to be a fun-loving musical and comedy act, the Doodlebops, along with their bus driver/crank dealer Bob, launched their national tour in Madison Square Garden, collecting consumer information from the merchandise sales at each show. Unfortunately, collecting personal and financial data wasn't the Doodles' only mission. Their songs included subliminal communist propaganda, and at the height of their popularity they were able to infiltrate the minds of millions of children -- hence the increased sales in Che Geuvera t-shirts. You never heard about this because Obama struck a deal with Raul Castro. Oh, and because the media sucks.
2. Bert and Ernie
Human Muppet Trafficking
There have always been rumors about these two being gay. But could that be a mere distraction from the real truth?
Probable shocking revelation: As we've already established, the media sucks, and there are plenty of social issues plaguing our society that you aren't even aware of -- muppet trafficking for example. After a night of drunken venting about the longstanding popularity of Kermit and the gang, Bert and Ernie hatched a passive-aggressive plan to make a little side money while getting revenge. Using Sesame Street's Maria and Miguel to transport the "merchandise," Bert and Ernie also enlisted Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Supplying the muppets' band with drugs stolen from Big Bird's not-so-secret stash, Bert and Ernie are notified when the band's groupies are loaded enough to be taken for a ride -- a ride from which they never return.
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1. Honey Boo Boo's Militant Past
Although not technically a children's show, our research indicates that the audience of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo functions at the emotional and intellectual developmental levels of a three-year-old child, so in a way, Boo Boo does entertain children.
Probable shocking revelation: Before Honey Boo Boo as you know her, she was known as Gaia Jezebel, child prodigy and militant feminist. At the age of three, having devoured the works of Judith Butler and deciding that she was being raised as a mindless slave to both media-imposed beauty standards and a patriarchal society, she sheared her golden locks, donned a pair of Birkenstocks, and fled to the only place in this country that a woman can find refuge from the oppressive patriarchal society we live in -- Michigan.
Gaia happily lived in a tent with the founders of the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, who schooled her in Womyn's Studies and Ancient Herstory, piling information into Gaia's small, shaved head. The child genius excelled at classes such as "Personal Lo-giene: Why Must Woman Shave?" and "Uterus or Myterus: It's My Body, White Man." Testing her way through a bachelor's and master's degree by the age of four, Gaia was given a full scholarship to Smith's PhD program in Womban Culture and Creativity.
While Gaia was lecturing at Harvard against the subjugation of wimmin, Prof. Plum, Harvard's tenured professor of Leadership and Corporate Accountability, discovered that Little Gaia's meteoric rise through academia was actually a subversive plot hatched by the lesbians of Michigan and Anne Hathaway's mother. Distraught, Gaia turned to drinking copious amounts of Yak Butter Tea and left the world of academia amid rumors that her master's thesis was a work of plagiarism. With nowhere left to turn, she returned to her retched family and decided to infiltrate rather than liberate.