Now that South Florida seems to have escaped the cone of danger/destruction/apocalypse for Hurricane Irene, we are collectively exhaling after keeping our breath for the past week. But for some, disappointment trumps relief. They're saying, "Damn, it looks like we'll have to wait to Christmas this year to enjoy Christmas." That's because this lot, and it's bigger than you think, is thinking of the new flat screen TV it won't be getting. After all, there's nothing like a hurricane to force the major big box retailers into a "Everything Is Free Sale," also known as looter's paradise.
Some of you may think looters are the worst dregs of humanity. But the truth is there's a little Uncle Loot in all of us, some just don't want to admit it. At this point you might be wondering if you'd ever engage in looting. It's a valid question. And Cultist is here to answer it. Check out the following signs to see if you might just be headed for some breaking and entering.
8. Home Depot Despot
While everybody's stocking up on hurricane supplies at Home Depot and
Lowes you're malingering in the bolt cutter aisle, literally weighing different models to see if you can run with them in one hand while cradling a microwave in the other. And if you happen to
see a sale on gloves you pick up a pair -- but not the kind for yard
work, the latex ones that are only good for surgery and hiding
7. Winter Clothing in Summer Heat
You haven't skied in years but now you're rifling through your closet
for a ski mask and goggles (watch that shattering glass!) like you're
ready to hit Aspen. If we've learned anything from natural disasters
it's that just because the security alarm at Target has been disabled it
doesn't mean the security cameras are down. Cover your face dumb ass.
6. Good Samaritan Casing
Despite not having an ounce of selflessness in your rotten body, you
find yourself volunteering to help shutter homes in up-scale
neighborhoods that you don't even live near. If you're going to break
into a mansion, you might as well get a sneak peak at what it's packin.'
5. What's Up T-Bone!
Instead of calling friends and family members to see if they're all
prepared in the days before a storm, you find yourself dialing the hoods
you ran with in high school to see "what they're up to" these days.
Also, the phrase "I'm gonna git mine" comes up repeatedly during the
This is how you do it:
4. Valuable Coupons
All of a sudden, you have a special interest in junk mail from
Brandsmart or T-Mobile. You might even place a call to the store to see if the new
3D flat screen came in or the 4G phone is available and how many they have in stock (translation:
Should I bring my Hyundai or pick up truck?).
3. Path of Least Resistance
Instead of studying hurricane preparedness maps for evacuation routes or
shelter locations, you've preprogrammed your GPS for multiple routes
to Dadeland, Aventura Mall, heck even Westland Mall, in case primary
arteries are inaccessible in the aftermath of a hurricane.
2. Weekend Getaway
You're curse Brian Norcross calling him a traitor when he says South
Florida has been spared the wrath of Irene but smile to yourself as you
immediately plan a weekend trip to Charleston, SC or Connecticut or
wherever Brian says Irene is headed.
1. Turning On Japanese
After the tsunamis early in the year you felt true sorrow for the island
nation. But as the year has gone on, that's sympathy has turned to
resentment as media outlets have repeatedly and annoyingly lauded the
Japanese for showing so much decorum and honesty after the devastation.
Enough already! It's one thing to have to bow down to their humility,
but when rumors start that they don't even have a word for looting in
Japanese surface, well, we say hogwash. They have CNN in Japan. Right?
If they didn't have a word for looting, certain news reports would have
to go like this: "In the days following Hurricane Irene, barbaric
Americans engage in illegal taking of other's property after natural
disasters. That's a real pity, because illegal taking of other's
property after a natural disaster is, well, not legal. And when you
illegally take another's property after a natural disaster you double
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the specter of the tragedy. So everybody, don't illegally take
somebody's property after a natural disaster."