Eight Signs You're a Looter and May Not Know It

Now that South Florida seems to have escaped the cone of danger/destruction/apocalypse for Hurricane Irene, we are collectively exhaling after keeping our breath for the past week. But for some, disappointment trumps relief. They're saying, "Damn, it looks like we'll have to wait to Christmas this year to enjoy Christmas." That's because this lot, and it's bigger than you think, is thinking of the new flat screen TV it won't be getting.  After all, there's nothing like a hurricane to force the major big box retailers into a "Everything Is Free Sale," also known as looter's paradise.

Some of you may think looters are the worst dregs of humanity. But the truth is there's a little Uncle Loot in all of us, some just don't want to admit it. At this point you might be wondering if you'd ever engage in looting. It's a valid question. And Cultist is here to answer it. Check out the following signs to see if you might just be headed for some breaking and entering.

8. Home Depot Despot

While everybody's stocking up on hurricane supplies at Home Depot and

Lowes you're malingering in the bolt cutter aisle, literally weighing different models to see if you can run with them in one hand while cradling a microwave in the other. And if you happen to

see a sale on gloves you pick up a pair -- but not the kind for yard

work, the latex ones that are only good for surgery and hiding


7. Winter Clothing in Summer Heat

You haven't skied in years but now you're rifling through your closet

for a ski mask and goggles (watch that shattering glass!) like you're

ready to hit Aspen. If we've learned anything from natural disasters

it's that just because the security alarm at Target has been disabled it

doesn't mean the security cameras are down. Cover your face dumb ass.

6. Good Samaritan Casing

Despite not having an ounce of selflessness in your rotten body, you

find yourself volunteering to help shutter homes in up-scale

neighborhoods that you don't even live near. If you're going to break

into a mansion, you might as well get a sneak peak at what it's packin.'

5. What's Up T-Bone!

Instead of calling friends and family members to see if they're all

prepared in the days before a storm, you find yourself dialing the hoods

you ran with in high school to see "what they're up to" these days.

Also, the phrase "I'm gonna git mine" comes up repeatedly during the


This is how you do it:

4. Valuable Coupons

All of a sudden, you have a special interest in junk mail from

Brandsmart or T-Mobile. You might even place a call to the store to see if the new

3D flat screen came in or the 4G phone is available and how many they have in stock (translation:

Should I bring my Hyundai or pick up truck?).

3. Path of Least Resistance

Instead of studying hurricane preparedness maps for evacuation routes or

shelter locations, you've preprogrammed your GPS for multiple routes

to Dadeland, Aventura Mall, heck even Westland Mall, in case primary

arteries are inaccessible in the aftermath of a hurricane.

2. Weekend Getaway

You're curse Brian Norcross calling him a traitor when he says South

Florida has been spared the wrath of Irene but smile to yourself as you

immediately plan a weekend trip to Charleston, SC or Connecticut or

wherever Brian says Irene is headed.

1. Turning On Japanese

After the tsunamis early in the year you felt true sorrow for the island

nation. But as the year has gone on, that's sympathy has turned to

resentment as media outlets have repeatedly and annoyingly lauded the

Japanese for showing so much decorum and honesty after the devastation.

Enough already! It's one thing to have to bow down to their humility,

but when rumors start that they don't even have a word for looting in

Japanese surface, well, we say hogwash. They have CNN in Japan. Right?

If they didn't have a word for looting, certain news reports would have

to go like this: "In the days following Hurricane Irene, barbaric

Americans engage in illegal taking of other's property after natural

disasters. That's a real pity, because illegal taking of other's

property after a natural disaster is, well, not legal. And when you

illegally take another's property after a natural disaster you double

the specter of the tragedy. So everybody, don't illegally take

somebody's property after a natural disaster."

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